A new report from the White House this week suggests that Iraq wasn't out to threaten and kill Americans, but to rather make them homosexual and shop at Wal-Mart.
WASHINGTON- Forget "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy", forget lovable talk shows hosts like Ryan Seacrest and Craig Kilborn, and forget favorite Hollywood couples like Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt.
A thirty-two page report released Tuesday detailed Iraqi plans to make a "gay bomb" which upon being launched would have tainted the freshwater supplies of America, thus being drunk by everyone in the nation and making everyone "queer".
The bomb, deemed "Operation DeGeneres", was to be constructed in May of last year, but was thwarted by the beginning of the war a couple months before.
President Bush admits he knew of the plan the entire time.
"I knew when all those couples wanted to get married in San Francisco that they were under some sort of drug," recalled Bush. "And I have no idea why we made sodomy legal..."
Last summer, sodomy was made legal to the delight of many gays who had been waiting and waiting for the decision.
The second part of the report details how the bomb aimed to help out the Wal-Mart corporation.
"Everyone knows that Wal-Mart is a gay-friendly business" says Sam Walton Jr. "However, I can assure that no one from the management at Wal-Mart was involved with these plans for world domination."
Wal-Mart, the largest employer in the world, is known for their happy smiley face, colorful clothing, and men's flip flops.
The gay and lesbian alliance has also declared that they have not had any association with the Iraqis.
"Yes, a lot of people think homosexuality is immoral and evil," says renowned TV personality Rosie O'Donnell. "But I can tell you that the American gays and lesbians are too busy already and have had no connections with Al Queda and those meanies over in Iraq."
Rush Limbaugh was unavailable for comment.