The 9/11 commission has found no evidence of a significant link between Iraq and al Qaeda. Spanning the globe in our round-the-clock mission to bring you only the fakest fake news, this shocking revelation comes from the Weekly World News -- the New York Times of supermarket tabloids.
"Just one month after their gay marriage rocked the world, ecstatic newlyweds Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein have adopted a shaved-ape baby to make their family complete."
Nine-month-old "Robert," a clean-cut chimp clad in overalls, is seen in a family portrait being kissed on the head by a doting Saddam. Animal rights activists are outraged over the adoption, concerned that his upbringing at the hands of fugitive terror kingpins will "leave young and impressionable Robert psychologically scarred for life."
In an exclusive interview with the Humor Gazette, pop singer Michael Jackson spoke out against the bizarre adoption while assuring the public that all three of his shaved-ape babies are safe at home in their cribs. Meanwhile, a spokesman for Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore said the Osama-Saddam incident has no connection with their own decision to adopt a shaved-ape infant.
Also revealed in the Nov. 4, 2003, edition of the World Weekly News: Conclusive DNA proof that God exists. For centuries members of the clergy have reported seeing God appear before them, claims that understandably have been met with skepticism. Well this time the Big Guy reportedly left some evidence at the scene, a tuft of his beard.
"The ermine-white hair, which apparently was yanked from the Lord's face as he leaned over to sniff a flower, matches DNA taken from Christ's burial cloth -- the sacred shroud of Turin," according to the World Weekly News.
International forensics experts are reportedly examining the DNA to see if it can be used to tie the Lord to several trillion counts sloth, lust and greed allegedly perpetrated by His human creations.
The World Weekly News article describes God as about six feet tall, Caucasian and "neither skinny nor fat." The Lord could not be reached for comment on Osama and Saddam's shaved-ape baby.
