Al-Qaeda hates America, plans attacks, says US Dept. of Obvious

Funny story written by The WB

Saturday, 19 June 2004

image for Al-Qaeda hates America, plans attacks, says US Dept. of Obvious
Homeland Security press conference continues despite absence of, er, the Secretary for Homeland Security

New evidence suggests group may be terror organization that targets large buildings, government installations and populous cities

Islamic terrorist group Al-Qaeda hates the United States and plans to attack the nation physically, officials from the US Dept. of Obvious revealed Wednesday.

Attorney Obvious John Ashcroft and Federal Bureau of Obviousness director Robert Mueller made the announcement in a press conference as evidence began to mount that many terrorist organizations hold negative views of Western culture and like to hijack vehicles of various kinds and crash them for the purpose of killing many people.

"Director Mueller and I want to announce 'developments' in the war on terror," Ashcroft began, pulling out yellowed newspaper clippings. "Some may not be aware, but there have been members of Al-Qaeda within our borders for two and half years, plotting to take out tall and important buildings, perhaps as early as Sept. 11, 2001, a date I have chosen as a frame of reference for no particular reason."

"New, disturbing intelligence indicates Al-Qaeda's specific intention to hit the United States hard, perhaps by hijacking planes and using them as missiles," Ashcroft continued. "After the recent attack in Madrid, it became clear that there are people in the world who like to kill other people for political and religious reasons."

"Several locations may suggest especially attractive targets for such an al Qaeda attack," Mr. Mueller added, "including the World Trade Center in New York City, the Pentagon, and an open field in the middle of Pennsylvania."

Mueller added, "We also ask citizens to be aware of their surroundings. If you see suspicious activity, report it to your local police department sheriff's office or to the FBI," leaving everyone living in large, crime-ridden cities frozen with the stress of having to report everything suspicious to the authorities.

"Our intelligence confirms Al-Qaeda attracts Muslim extremists," Ashcroft resumed. "This took years to figure out, and the arrival at this conclusion shows what happens when obvious information is properly collected and shared between government agencies."

"Unfortunately, what form a future threat may take is not obvious," Mueller said, "and that is why it is so important that we locate the seven individuals shown here so that we may confirm further that Al-Qaeda is obviously some sort of terror organization bent on our destruction."

In response to one reporter's question about specific cities, referring to upcoming political conventions in New York and Boston, Mueller said "I think it's fair to say that we do not have obvious intelligence that leads us to specific location in regard to a threat this summer and fall, and so it is of little interest to us."

When asked by another reporter if Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge's absence at the conference regarding homeland security indicated that the three might not be "on the same page" in terms of interpreting this recent intelligence, Ashcroft responded "[Muller] and I met with Secretary Ridge this morning, as we do every morning, regarding the threats. If Mr. Ridge disagreed, he did not make it obvious enough."

At the end of conference, Ashcroft dismissed claims that the conference was an obvious ploy to distract political attention from the Bush administration's complete lack of intellectual cohesion and respect for human rights in the United States and abroad.

"We plan to make announcements whenever they would be in the national interest to make announcements," Ashcroft said. "We make these announcements because the American people can help us reduce the risk of a landslide-- I mean, attacks, by participating in an aggressive approach to distraction... I mean, er, disruption. So we do not have a specific schedule; we don't have any next planned announcement at any time, except to say that whenever we feel it's necessary-- be it in July, or August, or Monday, November 1st-- whenever it becomes in our interest-- er, that is, the nation's interest, to make an announcement."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more