A Paid Advertisement for John Kerry

Funny story written by Morgan Truce

Thursday, 3 June 2004

image for A Paid Advertisement for John Kerry
"I'm John Kerry and I approved this message."

To all the good citizens of America who can vote for me:

I am John Kerry---someone you can both trust and look up to.

While serving as a Senator from Massachusetts, I have worked hard to gain your appreciation. I am running for President of the United States---an office that is presently held by a complete moron.

Let me tell you a few things about my opponent, George W. Bush.

His father was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and so were all of his ancestors; my father was a humble shoemaker.

George W. Bush did not attend Yale like I did; he was a dropout in the 7th grade and even failed shop class.

I graduated from college with honors most of you have never even heard of.

I joined the US Navy, and while serving as Admiral aboard a battleship on the Mekong River, I single-handedly won the war in Vietnam and saved the word from communism.

Meanwhile, George W. Bush was hooked on cocaine, spent his family's ill-won fortune, and even impersonated being an Air Force fighter pilot to avoid being drafted.

I was awarded six Purple Hearts and three Congressional Medals of Honor---while at the same time George Bush was picking up cigarette butts at some baseball park in Texas.

My wife, Teresa is a lovely All-American girl who comes from a family whose ancestors arrived on the Mayflower; George Bush's wife slipped across the Mexican border and is nearly as illiterate as George.

Teresa and I have nine wonderful daughters now in college; the Bushes were unable to have children because of George's terrible drug abuse problem.

Teresa knows how to cook ketchup 57 different ways; Laura Bush can't even whip up a decent "Foie gras aux violettes de Toulouse"

Finally, I wish to remind all of you that I spend thousands of dollars each time I go for a haircut; my opponent uses a Flowbie that he found in a pawnshop.

I hope I can depend on you having as positive opinion of me as I have, and that you will vote for me in November. In the meantime, you can cast a vote for Teresa in the viewer poll up in the right hand corner of this page.

I'm not one to "kiss and tell" but she is really hot!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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