In a dramatic move today, American President Barack Obama resigned, and Sir Alex Ferguson was appointed new leader of the USA.
Pausing merely to tell his Manchester United players that Paul Scholes would be acting manager in his absence, as 'that wee red-headed git will have your guts for garters if you don't keep winning!', the Scot flew on an RAF jet straight to Washington DC, and ordered the pilot to land on the White House lawn, causing thousands of dollars' damage.
Storming into the Oval Office he met the Secretary of State, Mrs Hillary Clinton. 'Mr President', she said, 'we hope you will continue our peace moves in the -'. 'Shut it!', Ferguson barked at her, 'peace? We've got to slow things down, get the Iraqis and whoever into a false sense of confidence by the break. Then we go back out and hit them with everything we've got, and hit them hard! Nae mercy, and it'll be all over in an hour or so.'
'But -'. 'Sorry, doll, you're out. I'm picking you as Secretary of Cooking, the food's diabolical here. Seize us plenty of chips and brown sauce and deep-fried Mars bars, all washed down with Irn Bru and Glenfiddich whisky', and she knew she had found her real place in the White House.
Then a knock came at the door, and an aide went in and found Ferguson with his feet on the desk, reading 'The Sun' sports section. 'Aye? What is it?' 'Joe Bodin wishes to see you', and the Vice President walked in. 'FFS !', the Scot shouted, 'can you no' see I'm reading about Walter Smith's latest shite team?' 'Sir, I'd like to know -'. 'Listen, pal, I'M running this country, I don't need any help, thanks, now away you go and do something useful, like pick yer nose.'
And so in a few days the conflicts in the Middle East ended, the American economy was stabilised - after Ferguson went round and punched the Federal Reserve manager, and told him to 'wisen up, ya big fat eejit, it's no' rocket science! Balance debits and credits and cut back on spending, ya bam!', and Hillary Clinton opened a Scottish restaurant in Washington, calling it 'McCholesterol's.'
Meanwhile Barack Obama had also found his true calling in life, and became a QC in London to milk the government with race relations and compensation cases.
