Obama Inauguration Panders to Evangelists, Terrorists, Centrists

Funny story written by Ross Raffin

Monday, 19 January 2009

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"Hello Mr President..."

In order to maintain his average rate of supporting centrist policies, Obama has countered the invitation of Pastor Rick Warren, an evangelist who believes marriage can only be between a man and a woman, with an invitation to Ingrid Mattson, President of the Islamic Society of North America (ISNA), an unindicted co-conspirator in a federal case linking hundreds of individuals and organizations to Hamas.

This development has put conservatives back on familiar ground. Traditionally, attempts at linking Islamic groups to Hamas had the risk of legal backlash. However, because unindicted co-conspirators are named without being parties to an actual criminal case, they have no constitutional right to produce evidence in court against the charge. Finally, a means of undermining habeus corpus and due process against suspected enemy combatants. The actual case links five members of the Holy Land Foundation, a Muslim charity, to the Muslim Brotherhood, the Egyptian-born grand-daddy of Hamas.

The Islamic Society of North America put up a good front. On the surface, they engaged in dialog with one of the largest Jewish organizations in America, publicly denounce Hamas and Hezbollah, and advocate a two-state solution. Of the 100,000 members, none have felt the urge to blow themselves up. Mattson fooled the State Department and Pentagon into having her as a guest of honor. The ISNA worked with and subsequently fooled the Bush Administration's Office of Faith-Based and Community Initiatives. She also apparently fooled the jihadists into thinking she was a man.

At first, I thought the ISNA's true terrorist colors (which, for the record, are black, orange, and chartreuse) were best demonstrated through their fanatic literal adherence to religious scripture from thousands of years ago. Not only does their religion promote a patriarchy of male control over women, but it goes as far as to argue that the traditional place for a woman is in the home. This ideology attempts to control how scandalously you can dress, when and where sexual practices are appropriate, and if prayer should be mandated in schools. It also teaches ten ways to pack a towel.

However, I then learned that, in keeping with the family tree terrorist analogy, a love-child/subsidiary of the ISNA, the North American Islamic Trust, was caught sending over $30,000 to the wife of imprisoned Hamas leader Mousa Abu Marzook as well as several Hamas fronts which intelligence sources estimate are at least estranged second cousins. Also worrying is one ISNA founder's previous membership in the Palestinian Islamic Jihad.

As odd as it seems, there is no inconsistency in Obama's choices for religious speakers. Rick Warren hates gays; Ingrid Mattson hates America. Combine those speakers, divide by two, and you get Obama's real speaker: Reverend Jeremiah Wright.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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