Written by matwil

Friday, 16 January 2009

image for Bush will become the Reverend Bush
'Turn the other cheek, then launch B-52s in retaliation against civilians'

Today, President George W Bush announced that he was to become a reverend in February.

'Yep', he told the press, 'I'm joining the Fifth Adventist Day Witness Protection Church, and will be preaching at my local Texas church every week. I want to spread the word of Jesus, and my Christian beliefs will shine through to all Americans, and to all non-Americans in America. Let me just spell out the kind of preachings I want to do.'

As journalists quickly turned their cell phone cameras on, to record this to show to their families later when they wanted a bit of comedy, the President said: 'Firstly, Jesus said 'you shall not kill, unless you're killing Iraqers and Palestinanians', and that's what we should all try and do. Secondly, he said 'Love your enemy unless he steals your oil, then whack him with a great big stick.'

Fourthly he told us that if your enemy hits you then you should 'turn the other cheek, before launching massive air bombardments with B-52s and fighter jets against civilians in retaliation', and heck, we must follow his teachings. And don't forget that Jesus also said 'Love your neighbor, and if you can't love him then cut off his water and medical supplies, and blow his town and women and children to pieces', which I sure am pleased to see is what is happening in Isreal right now, the very land where Jesus walked water into wine.'

Many were visibly moved at his speech, and one journalist shouted: 'I'm saved! I'm saved! My shares in armaments companies are saved by you, Reverend Bush!' And another called out 'Blessed be the meek, your Reverence, for they shall not inherit the earth, any more than Palestinians will ever have any say in running their own country.'

And Mr. Bush replied to them: 'It is easier for an eye to go through a camel's needle than for a rich family to steal the land off the Red Injuns, and then get their hands on their oil. And if you say you follow Jesus, I tell thee and thine that thy crow will sing three times before the burning Bushes will go to heaven. Heck, heaven must be full up by now, what with all the people we've killed to help them become peaceful and democratic. Dad, if heaven is full, where will we go?'

Many members of Mr. Bush's church were hoping for peace and love and forgiveness - as long as it doesn't happen in the land of Jesus, of course.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: George W. Bush

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