Tobacco Execs: New Cigarette Pacifier Not Targeting Kids

Funny story written by The Pharoe

Saturday, 12 June 2004

image for Tobacco Execs: New Cigarette Pacifier Not Targeting Kids
The new cigarete pacifier will come in a variety of pastel and neon colors

Washington D.C. - In a press conference held on the steps of Congress, Representatives for tobacco giant Philip Morris refuted claims that the new cigarette pacifier is aimed towards a younger market.

Jon Stifler, head of public relations for the tobacco company, said the pacifiers are to tap into the new adult fad of carrying pacifiers. Philip Morris is responsible for such cigarette brands as Marlboro and Virginia Slims.

According to Stifler the pacifiers are nothing more than a creative idea to market to adults, such as the candy cigarettes they introduced in the 50's, the Barbie doll rebate in the 70's, or even the free Hanson CD's the gave away in the 90's. Yet some anti-tobacco advocates are not buying in.

Jackie Milow, the head of the anti-tobacco group Lung Freedom, said " I have proof that these companies are after our kids, pages upon pages of secret memos" before tragically dying last week in a mysterious fire at her office.

Stifler also commented on the criticism of the packaging saying "the only reason we're using Sponge Bob Square Pants and the Power Puff Girls on the box is because we have data those shows are aimed for a mature audience".

There will be a special edition of the packaging which will feature purple dinosaurs and a large yellow bird, but have no connections to Barney or Sesame Street, both shows recently acquired by Philip Morris.

A campaign to prevent underage smoking, sponsored by Philip Morris, will kick-start next week with the slogan "Smoking is Only for the Bad Teens".

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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