WASHINGTON -- President Bush criticized the 1971 U.S. Congress for their official establishment of Memorial Day, calling them "petty partisans" attempting to politicize the occupation of Iraq.
"Memorial Day is obviously a ploy on the part of the 92nd Congress to remind the nation of the mounting death toll in Operation Just Cause," said the President from the Oval Office, where he was hiding out for the balance of the day to avoid being stopped on the street and guilted into placing wreaths on gravestones. "They have stepped over the line in making awareness of the loss of lives in the line of duty a public matter."
While the 92nd Congress has not convened since December 1972, Bush called on the 34% of them still alive to do so and reverse "this flagrant attempt to make our mission in Iraq about the fighting and the dying, and not the grand liberation of a nation from the after effects of colonialism."
Bush further suggested that since Americans already have the day off from work, they should spend it doing more mundane things like barbequing, beach-going, watching elderly men and pretty young ladies waving from pickup trucks, and avoiding cemeteries, in blissful ignorance of the alleged meaning of the holiday.
Living members of the 92nd Congress met the news regarding their Memorial Day legislation with confusion, hearty laughter, and offers to throw another piece of chicken on the grill.