Santa Bypasses White House This Year

Funny story written by rfreed

Friday, 5 December 2008

image for Santa Bypasses White House This Year
Santa when he is off duty.

Santa, in a coordinated effort with the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, the Guardian Angel, the Great Pumpkin, and even the Angel of Death has put on a general boycott of the White House this season (Oh, come on, I don't have to tell you why! They don't even deserve a lump of coal!)

There were some strong calls to send the Angel of Death in anyway, but most felt that this mess has been going on for eight years and even he doesn't want to touch it. The A.O.D. did make several attempts to make Cheney cross the River Styx, but now the SOB has his 'Undisclosed Location' so well hid that even the Grim Reaper can't find it.

Instead, Santa has enlisted an old German assistant of his, Knecht Ruprecht, to make the visit. Knecht is well known in German Christmas mythology as a dirty, bent , frightening figure dressed in sooty rags who looks and acts a lot like a slightly more classy Golum (if such a thing is possible) from the Lord of The Rings. (In fact, he made some extra money as a stand-in on the movie.) Ruprecht's job is to go in and get the kids who have been bad, shove them in a coal bag and whisk them away. More grisly versions even have him disemboweling them first, stuffing them in the sack and eating them later. Knecht has proven to be a great boon in Germany for keeping the population down.

Knecht had Bush cornered at one point, but the wily President, used to dodging bulls on his ranch and reporters in general, was able to avoid him. Rupert got Cheney in a bag, but he had a heart attack and Ruprecht had to turn him over to the Angel of Death anyway. Ruprecht succeeded in bagging Karl Rove successfully who immediately started squealing like a pig. Secret Service agents on the scene reported finding what looked like pieces of intestines on the floor.

More later.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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