Written by Jesus Budda

Tuesday, 2 December 2008

image for Santa's Elves are Stupid Little Bastards
Merry Christmas, one and all!

It's official! Santa Claus' North Pole elf workers are a bunch of stupid little annoying bastards.
The miniature freaks toil all day and night in cramped workshops in sub-zero temperatures for the Christmas season but still find time to appear in Santa grotto's and have their stupid, irritating little bastard pug-nosed faces splashed across cards and calendars.

"Nobody likes little people to begin with but little folks prancing and dancing around like juvenile twats on acid is really a nuisance", said the proprietor of a Christmas decorations store, "bastards!".

So shit are elves that they aren't even as cool as reindeer. They don't even have names; just generic, pixie-ish little shits with wooden mallets.

"And what exactly do they do with those wooden mallets?", asked one concerned woman, "Toys are held together with screws and glue. I bet they don't even make the toys themselves. Useless little bastards!".

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Christmas, Santa, elves

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