The Monroe County Blood Bucket Facility was robbed last night by a pale-skinned vampire just after midnight. The nocturnal thief stole every single container of Type A blood, leading authorities to believe the bloodsucker is in fact Type A himself. It's been speculated that he is Type B intolerant.
It's not known if he has any interest in Type AB or Type O blood, considering it was in a different room with several lights and laser tripwires.
"I can't believe that greedy son of a bitch had to steal every last container of Type A," said Susan Trueblood, a woman who claimed she was a Blood Bucket employee. "If I wasn't afraid of him sucking my blood, I'd track him down."
One witness, Indiana University student Alan Alfred De Nero Sanchez, saw the fanged criminal stealing away in the night.
"I saw him man, it was pretty creepy," he said. Alan Alfred De Nero Sanchez, who for some reason has five names, has at times been noted for wandering around aimlessly on campus. Others have said that he is an incredible student.
Sanchez asked to remain anonymous for the story, but we decided confidentiality wasn't necessary in this case.
Due to Sanchez's elaborate description, police believe the suspect is Count Lancelot Blanchard. Blanchard is believed to be over 700 years old and has been referenced in many books and urban legends
Due to the severity of the incident, the police have four new detectives on the case who are working in shifts.
"Even though blood theft is quite rare, people need to realize that vampires are real," said Sergeant Red Haemal. "If you see one, don't try to fight him, just run and call us."
Haemal also said that common vampire-fighting myths such as garlic and bright lights don't always work. He said the only sure way to kill a vampire is to "drive a stake through the fucker's heart."
With Halloween rapidly approaching, many feel this incident will only add to the eeriness of the holiday's spirit.
"I know I ain't leavin' the damn house on Halloween," said Barkley "Bloodhound" Smith. "I'm not even going to answer the door. If trick-or-treaters come, I'll tell those little bastards to get the hell off my damn property!"
Prior to this incident, the last time Count Blanchard had been spotted was outside of San Francisco Calif. in 1968 by a van full of hippies. They reported the incident to the police, who refused to believe their story and instead arrested them for possession of marijuana upon searching their van.
Police are advising that anyone who might see the suspect should refrain from running down the street screaming, because you could be mistaken for a drunken student and subsequently arrested for disorderly conduct.
