LAS VEGAS, Nevada - O.J. Simpson has escaped from The Clark County Detention Center. Warden Ontario Percell stated that Simpson escaped through the air conditioning vent in his jail cell.
Percell said that he had first become a little suspicious when he noticed that Simpson had lost a tremendous amount of weight in just the past two weeks. Percell remarked, "Mr. Simpson went from a weight of 230 pounds to 105 pounds. He was just not eating and was only drinking one small cup of Crystal Light Tea each day."
Percell stated, "So I was a little concerned that he might escape by simply passing himself through the air condtioning vent bars, which is exactly what he did. In fact, we found Simpson's NFL flashlight pen and one of his prison gloves outside of the prison by the air conditioning exit vent."
A witness reported seeing Simpson running like a crazed halfback and quickly getting into a late model red Ferrari which drove off at a tremendously high rate of speed. An unnamed informant called the warden and told him that Simpson had been planning his escape for several weeks.
This individual said that Simpson had remarked that this time he was not going to be using no slow-moving ass car in a slow-speed chase like he did the last time with the white Bronco. He said that this time he was going to be using a 2009 red Ferrari that can get him to the US-Mexico border very, very pronto!
In other news, a Chickasha, Oklahoma rancher reported that a flying saucer landed on his property. He said that two space aliens got out of the space ship. The rancher said he first realized it was a hoax when he saw one of the space aliens wearing a 'Palin in 2012' T-Shirt.