The Somali Pirates: "The Ransom Deadline Is Monday Oct. 13"

Written by Abel Rodriguez

Saturday, 11 October 2008

image for The Somali Pirates: "The Ransom Deadline Is Monday Oct. 13"
Joy Cilantro wife of pirate leader Maxamed 'Jolly Roger' Cilantro (photo courtesy of Mick Jagger)

MOGADISHU, Somalia - Somali pirates who hijacked the Ukranian cargo ship MV Faina two weeks ago are extremely frustrated that their $20 million ransom demand has not been met.

The high seas buccaneers say that they will blow up the MV Faina if their demands are not met by Monday night. A reporter for The Mogadishu Morning-Mirror reminded the pirates that they are on the ship. Pirate leader Maxamed 'Jolly Roger' Cilantro thought about that remark and then said, "Right, okay then, here is our new freshly revised ransom demand. We want one dozen jet ski's, a case of Corona Light Beer, five packages of beer nuts, 20 Big Macs, three or four whores, a box of glazed donuts, and $45 in twenties."

The MV Faina is presently surrounded by six US Navy warships led by the destroyer the USS La Brea Tar Pits and one Russian frigate the RS Vodka Collins. CNN's Wolf Blitzer is reporting that The British Royal Navy presently has a fleet of several vessels steaming at full-speed towards the Somalian coast.

British Royal Navy Rear Admiral Sir Oliver Richard Londonfog informed Blitzer that the BRN fleet is lead by the aircraft carrier, The HMS Sir Paul McCartney and that it is being escorted by other British war vessels including the destroyers the HMS Petula Clark and the HMS English Muffin. He added that three British submarines are also in the convoy and those include the HMS Catherine Elizabeth 'Cat' Deely, the HMS Simon Cowell , and the HMS Fish And Chips.

The frigate the HMS Duke of Daisy reportedly had to turn back towards England due to a serious windshield wiper malfunction. Meanwhile across the English Channel, France has stated that it was going to send it's aircraft carrier the FS Inspector Jacques Closeau, but that it was really pointless since two years ago they sold all of the airplanes to Puerto Rico.

Iceland offered to send it's patrol boat the IS Snow Nose but apparently it has been misplaced. Blitzer did report that the cooperation between the nations of the world is truly unprecedented. He spoke to Mexico's Vice-President Don Juan Jose Joaquin de Los Jalapenos-Fernandez-Pico de Gallo-Hernandez-Como Se Llama Rodriguez, Jr. and was told that as soon as the Mexican battleship MS Montezuma's Revenge gets back from oceanic war maneuvers off the coast of Switzerland that it will be immediately ordered to steam towards the Somalian coast very pronto.*

*Mucho fast

(Now available without a prescription)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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