Written by Chuck Barber

Tuesday, 1 June 2004

US Marine Corps Commandant General Kraz Krazlak announced today that the Marine Corps planned to "recruit train and deploy when necessary" a Special Forces Gorilla Regiment which would initially report directly to the Marine Corps Commandant.

This gorilla force, envisioned as a crack jungle warfare team consisting of three hundred specially trained Mountain Gorillas, would operate in jungle and wooded terrain where their presence would cause the least comment.

"They're strong - far stronger than humans - they can scavenge for food and water and while those we've tested have had marksmanship issues they've learned not to drop the weapons and run away when they fire them. We see their natural strength and heightened senses as a huge plus for the US Marine Corps.

Krazlak went on to acknowledge that, "you don't drop them into Paris. People would notice right away, but in Africa, South East Asia, they can walk right in and vanish into the jungle."

Asked about the learning curve and how well the mountain gorillas take to training, when normally they spend their days eating, Krazlak admitted there had been some serious problems with that at first. "They're fine. They haven't pulled the legs off the instructors in months. These boys will be perfect US Marines."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Report, marines

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