Schools Renamed as Psychiatric Clinics

Funny story written by Elvin F. Verdad

Sunday, 17 August 2008

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Lincoln High School in Bartonville, Nebraska has been officially renamed The Lincoln Center for Psychiatric Care. Citizens of Bartonville were astonished and 89 people showed up at a recent school board meeting to ask why. The clinic adminstrator (formerly Principal Jones) addressed the unruly crowd and explained that at a point in this school year, the school received more money for screening, labeling and treating "mental disorders" than they received for education.

Anyone involved in modern schools should not really be surprised at this revelation. Since the 1960s, more and more money has been spent on various psychological and psychiatric programs, while expenditures for education have been flat. It was only a matter of time until the effort to socialize and treat the children as patients became more prominent than the archaic endeavors of reading, writing and arithmetic.

The renaming was first suggested by Vern Guraden, the school system's accountant, who said in jest at a party once that they might as well just give up education and go all out for treatment. While the school had been struggling for funding, the new "clinic" is now eligible for hundreds of thousands of dollars in federal, state and private grants. In fact, the school now has close to a million dollars in funding secured to screen and treat children for "mental disorders".

All teachers received notice that their services would no longer be needed at the Lincoln Center for Psych Care. The school board was pleased that they could now operate without interference of the teacher's union. Ironically, the teacher's union was actually instrumental over the years in introducing psychiatric programs.

Another Nebraska school, Angie Gowlands Elementary, is under negotiations to close briefly then reopen as the Eli Lilly Institute for Child Drugging. This could be the beginning of a new trend in educ..., well we can't really use the words "education", "schools" or "learning" anymore. The goals of the new Child Development Institutes are to bring children to an understanding of their "mental disorders" and a certainty that they will need treatment for their entire lives. Mental health "stigma" should be a thing of the past because now everyone will be considered to have a "mental illness".

But many of the more traditional members of the community are not happy. Kevin Gains, long-term school teacher, spoke out loudly at the school board meeting. "How can we fail to teach children how to read, write and get along in life? Isn't that the purpose of a school?"

The Lincoln Center's Administrator Jones explained, "yes, indeed, that would be the purpose of a school and that's one of the major reasons for the name change. Schools are supposed to teach children what they need to succeed in life. Frankly we quit doing that effectively in about 1985. So, why carry on the charade any longer?"

In a small victory for parental rights, the same school board meeting saw the TeenScreen program of questionable mental health screening soundly rejected 9-0 by the school board members. Many present felt that the school board members are just sore that they are now out of a job and, really, that the career they trained for no longer exists. There is some good news related to the job market however. With the increased use of psychiatric drugs known to cause suicide, violence and horrendous side effects, the demand for police officers, jailers and people to clean up big messes is at an all-time high.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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