(Washington D.C.) - Facing a revolution from her supporters in Congress, Senator Hillary Clinton today, reportedly "tanked to the gills" on Xanax, managed to finally concede the Democratic Presidential Nomination to Illinois Senator Barack Obama without saying, "Psyche!" Effectively ending her bid to be the first woman president since Nancy Reagan, Clinton promised to "totally support Barack Obama until he gets shot."
Appearing before an enthusiastic group of supporters at the National Building Museum in Washington, Clinton appeared stoned and chastened after having been put over New York Rep. Charlie Rangel's knee during a meeting with her top congressional allies following her non-concession concession speech of Tuesday. This time around Senator Clinton strongly implored her constituency to "to join me in working as hard for Barack Obama as you have for me," with only a pair of subtly crossed fingers behind her back remaining as a sign of her denial.
There were a few catcalls, scattered boos, and one or two "Screw Obama's," but the crowd was largely receptive to Senator Clinton's words of inclusion and unity. She used the word "I" only a handful of times, as opposed to the 1,293,416 times she used it in her defiant and delusional speech following the last democratic primary Tuesday evening.
Senator Clinton also acknowledged the blow her campaign's suspension would be for comedy writers all around the globe with a plea for patience and understanding.
"Certainly SNL and TheSpoof.com will be poorer places in the short term, but remember that Bill and I will be making periodic and hypocritical stops on the campaign trail for Barack on occasion, so you never know when we will do something crazy you can rip on. But the inevitable loss of a few chuckles this concession may cause is a small price to pay for the blessing of a united country."
Speaking for the affected comedy constituents, satirist BuckwheatsButt from TheSpoof.com was sanguine.
"Look, Hillary will still be in the Senate, and Bill will still be flying the friendly skies with a bunch of strippers in Iron Man's plane. A good comedy writer will always be able to turn to the Clintons in times of need."
DNC Chairman Howard Dean felt the excitement of the day overshadowed any minor quibbles cynical website nitpickers might have, and he summed up most Democrats feelings when he said, "YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHH!!!!!!!!!!"
