Baltimore Maryland, 15 March 2009: One of several known illegal Electronics' Joints in the city was raided tonight at 11:00 PM local time, by the Energy Police.
Contraband such as personal computers, DVDs, VCRs, IPODs, Color TVs, cell phones, microwave ovens and light bulbs were confiscated. The perpetrators, who had been gorging themselves on electricity were taken to the local precinct. After fingerprinting, DNA sampling and paying their fines the felons were allowed to leave.
The Democratic controlled 111th Congress overwhelmingly passed "The Save Energy Act" which was promptly signed by President Obama and went into effect immediately. Each of the 1000 attending environmental activists were given a souvenir signing pen. The signing ceremony took well over two hours because of the use of this number of pens and all the photo opportunities with the president.
This new law prohibits the personal use of electricity between 9:00 PM and 6:00 AM local time, except on Federal holidays. All lights must be turned off and all electronic devices must be unplugged. Powerless Tuesdays (see WWII) are also mandated for 24 hours one day every month. Only green energy sources such as solar, windmills, biomass, geothermal and hydro-electric are permitted for generation of electricity. Nuclear and fossil fueled electrical generation power plants are all to be closed. Several usage exceptions include the White House and Congress, military installations, police, fire and emergency personnel and their facilities, and highway speed and surveillance cameras. The Department of Energy was given police powers to enforce the law.
A spokesman for the Power Generation Industry said, consequences of this new statute will be far reaching, as there is not enough electrical energy generating capacity to be obtained from solar, windmills, biomass, geothermal and water power to meet current and future demand. Rolling blackouts can be expected in the USA over the next ten years, as experienced in any third world country.
A spokesperson for the Environmental Lobby said, their new watchword would be conservation to make up the difference between supply and demand. (This statement was made with a straight face, leading the journalists to believe the spokesperson was either drunk or had used Botox.)
President Obama's newly appointed Council of Economic Advisors all resigned. They did so after predicting a major depression surpassing the one in 1932, due to high electrical energy costs caused by short supply and high demand!
A spokesman for the Dairy Industry said, this law is an udder disaster for rural farmers who will now have to milk their cows by hand at 5:00 AM.
A spokesman for the Health Service's Industry said, Congress omitted exceptions for hospitals and health care facilities. Thus, the number of people who will die from unplugged respirators and medical equipment can be expected to increase.
Spokesmen for the Oil/Gas, Automobile and Steel Industries could not be reached for comments.
A spokesman for the Electronics and Computer Industries was too flabbergasted to issue a statement, until he has further consultations with Bill Gates.
Mayor Bloomberg of New York City issued a statement, that said Broadway "The Great White Way" and other downtown city centers will now become dark continents.
Rush Limbagh noted during his daily radio show that 50 schools in San Francisco had experimented in 2008 with using only "green" power, e.g. electricity obtained from solar generating stations. A $20,000 increase per month in billing occurred. Needless to say, the SF Education Department did not require the additional 30 schools to change their power sources. However, the new law requires these schools to change. San Francisco Major Newsome was heard to say who needs the "dirty stinking Pencils, books and learning anyway".
Tim Russet postulated an energy conservation no-brainer, during his interview with a rabid environmentalist member of the Environmental Lobby, during his TV Program! Tim said simply replacing incandescent light bulbs with available compact fluorescent light bulbs provides a 66% reduction in the lighting load on electrical power plants. This is the ultimate in no pain conservation! "But, no said the rabid environmentalist, the compact bulbs contain some Mercury."
A spokesman for the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) said, they intend to file a lawsuit against the US Congress, President Obama and the Environmental Lobby. The ACLU, if necessary, will carry the fight all the way to the US Supreme Court. It is every American's Constitutional right to use any kind of generated electricity as he or she sees fit. Industry and Business Leaders, Mayor Bloomberg and other city mayors, Rush Limbaugh, Tim Russet, and Bill Gates are planning to join the lawsuit. President Obama has indeed brought together a diverse group of people in this country for a common cause!
