Whistle-blowing Dunking Donuts has pointed an accusatory finger at culinary cutie, Rachel Ray, and has sent her jihadist-scarved image to the FBI.
Michael Chertoff, head of Homeland Security, immediately convened a press conference in Washington, D.C. in order to congratulate the company on its patriotism and to squelch any rumors regarding her disappearance from the TV show yesterday.
"Ms. Ray is definitely a person of interest," said Chertoff. "The FBI has ransack…er…conducted a search of her places of work and her other habitats." When asked if anything suspicious was found, Mr. Chertoff said, "Cookbooks. We have every reason to believe these books are actually codes for the manufacture of biological, chemical, and radiological disseminating devices. For example, one recipe, ostensibly for the creation of Bucatini al'Amatriciana, is actually code for Ricin Rigatoni. There you go."
Following a plethora of questions and demands from the Press Corps concerning the whereabouts of Ms. Ray, Mr. Chertoff would only say that she was being held in a secret location for further questioning and final punishment. Pressed further about the type of punishment and when it would be delivered, Mr. Chertoff declared, "I won't say anything further about the type of punishment but as to the question of 'when,' let's just say she should confine herself to only 30-Second Meals in the future."
