AUSTIN - A man having a rare good day wherein nothing seemed to be going wrong, was reminded by a thoughtful media that there were thousands of people dying all over the world and that there was absolutely nothing he could do about it except feel guilty that he wasn't suffering, become depressed and hang himself.
Shad Brewer, 27, was enjoying his day when he decided it was just "a little too good."
"I feel guilty when I have a good day," said Brewer. "I got to work early. My boss was being cool. I even got a raise. But something inside me said, 'Don't enjoy this, Shad. You don't deserve this happiness.'"
Brewer reported that he went home and watched the news.
"Thanks to the media," said Brewer, "I'm no longer being selfish, and now feel like poop again. So many people were killed in China. They even dug up some story from a country called Wimbahu, Africa and told me about a children's church that collapsed and killed hundreds. That's what I want to hear!"
Brewer says that he has no right to be happy when so many others are suffering.
"I just can't get enough bad news," said Brewer. "I just can't get my fill of people dying, getting maimed, fighting wars and being killed. I hope the news never stops bombarding me with these stories. I want them to dig into the most remote regions of the planet in order to find the most horrifying stories they can so that I won't have to feel so at ease. Did a nursery catch on fire? Tell me about it! Did some homeless man who lives in Choganawa, Michigan have his only friend run over by a busload of millionaires? I wanna' know!"
Brewer continued to state that he knew on some deep level all the bad things in the world were his fault because there was nothing he could do about it.
"I love guilt," said Brewer. "But there's only one thing I can do after a bad news story, and that is - DRINK SIPPY COLA! IT'S REFRESHING AND WONDERFUL! AND NOW, I'M GOING TO TRY NEW SIPPY-COLA WITH EXTRA CAFFINE - FOR THOSE DAYS WHEN I JUST FEEL RUN DOWN!"
In other news, 300 children, 140 puppies and 50 handicapped people died today when their train crashed into an old folks home full of visiting grandchildren. . .
