Written by Slash Riptide

Friday, 25 April 2008

image for Fat Chick Acts Loud and Obnoxious to Prove She's Not Self Conscious
Kessler rests her feet after a ten minute stretch of working the floor

Aimes, IA Susan Kessler set out to prove Saturday night, that she's wasn't going to let the fact that she is classified as morbidly obese stop her from having a good time.

"Outta my way guys! Big girl's comin' through!" screamed Kessler as she clumsily pushed physically fit guys away from her. "I am large and in charge. Where are my suga sistas tonight?! OOOwwww!"

Onlookers couldn't help but constantly be distracted by the large, apparently fun-loving Kessler as she made sure to hop around to every song.

"People stare at me, yeah whatever. They can look but they can't touch!" explained Susan later at the scene.

Kessler is known to come out at least once a week to the same bar. She's calls it her bar hopping, but it's actually the same bar, just with one counter located in the back and one in the front.

"I could take any one of the boys home tonight, but mommas got no time for kid games. Only a real man can handle all this!" belted Kessler as she then went on to holler loudly and jiggle her breasts while waving her hands in the air.

She was the last one to leave that night as people became tired and weary of all the loud noise and cigarette smoke. Unverified reports claim Kessler remained seated in her car for some time before leaving the scene, with her head bent over the steering wheel.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Topics: Obesity, Fat

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
85 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more