GALVESTON, TX-U.S. Representative Ron Paul appeared Thursday in this Gulf Coast community within his congressional district, proving to a gathering crowd of startled onlookers that he still exists, and ending twelve months of intense speculation concerning his activities and whereabouts.
"I'm not dead. I'm not hiding. I've been running for President of the United States," quipped Paul in a good-natured jab at libertarians who have been circulating rumors of his candidacy throughout his self-imposed exile.
"I've been out there sounding the alarm about getting back to the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, and sound money," Paul asserted, stonewalling a reporter who asked if he had heard that Britney Spears lost custody of her children while he was in hiding.
The gathering threatened to turn ugly as riot police were called in to break up a milk carton-waving mob that was embroiled in a dispute over who would collect the reward money for finding Congressman Paul.
The ten-term Republican's disappearance a year ago completely baffled the press, leaving television journalists and radio talk show hosts speechless about the matter while inducing writer's block among those in print media.
Some of his more fanatical supporters meanwhile claimed that they saw Paul repeatedly on national television, an allegation that has yet to be confirmed by any major media outlet, YouTube and the shrill assertions of tens of thousands of internet bloggers notwithstanding.
"Nine-eleven," stated former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani by telephone from his office on Friday, apparently implicitly denying having ever met Dr. Paul.
When queried at a Scottsdale, Arizona rally about the matter, apparent Republican Presidential nominee John McCain supported Giuliani's claim, pounding his fist on the podium, drop-kicking his microphone, shattering a water glass against the stage, hurling a chair into the audience, and yelling, "@#*&%?!"
