Planet of the Apes Movie Further Confuses Teenager

Funny story written by Kirsty Walker

Friday, 5 October 2001

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The new Mark Wahlberg movie Planet of the Apes has come under fire for adding to a teenage boys sexual confusion.

Like any semi-normal teenager, Nathan Howard, 16 of Buffalo, NY has experienced mixed feelings over his sexuality, but the summer blockbuster in which Wahlberg falls for a lady ape, has led to increased anxiety over his lustful feelings.

Nathan admits, "Last summer I watched Dawsons' Creek quite a lot, and started getting a crush on that guy who played Jack, and then when I'd finally decided I must be gay, I saw the new series of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and realized I wasn't."

"I went to see Planet of the Apes last week, and when I saw that girl ape, Ari, I was like, oh great, now I have a crush on a monkey."

The movie's producers have admitted that the character of Ari, played by Helena Bonham-Carter, was designed to be marginally attractive to men, allowing viewers to relate to the hero.

Nathan is currently dreading the release of Lord of the Rings. "They'll probably have some sexy Orcs or somethin'. I'll never live this down."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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