Las Vegas, Nevada -- Faced with many upcoming March 4 presidential primaries and the stomach-churning prospect of seeing the same ol' refried 'Three Musketeers' on the menu -- a newbie intern, a petulant philanderer, and a pimped-out ho -- Americans are eagerly awaiting new candidates to enter the fray.
And what Americans want, is exactly what they'll get.
The Final Four will offer voters a dicey - and spicy - proposition.
Tom Cheatings, a 25-year-old largely unknown out of work itinerant day laborer from Chihuahua, Mexico, now on the lam from the Feds, will be taking full advantage of the exposure that comes from all the new campaign live streaming and live chat coverage. "I'm running on the new Illegal Ticket," says a confident Cheatings, speaking in broken English. "I stand for making the U.S. borders as porous as cheese," as he guzzled down his sixth Dos Equis.
Even socialite extraordinaire Paris Hilton, one of the original Three Musketeers, sans Lindsay Lohan and Brittany Spears, has entered the popularity contest. She will reportedly running out of Las Vegas, Nevada on the newly established Party Hearty ticket. The Bible-toting Hilton has been incognito as of late, and mum on how she's going to get out the word, but some say that a new revealing video mashup planned for YouTube will be just the ticket to lure liberal voters.
Longtime consumer advocate Ralph Nader is even dusting off the cobwebs and tuning up his wheelchair for his fifth White House bid.
Our insider scooping tipsters say that recently out of work former President of Cuba, Fidel Castro, 81, is also throwing his Havana cigar into the melee. Taking a play out of the playbook from Michael Jackson and undergoing radical plastic surgery to make himself look younger, soon Castro will be secretly boarding his skiff in the safety of Midnight darkness to make a run for our mainland. "I've got 50 years experience running a booming economy and believe that I can bring political change to the United States," says a hopeful Castro during his first Internet podcast.
And the 'Oscar' goes to . . .
