Alex Jones Quits Radio Show

Funny story written by Fatima Guillermo Chen

Friday, 8 February 2008

image for Alex Jones Quits Radio Show
Alex Jones

AUSTIN - A stunned radio audience learned late Friday afternoon that Alex Jones, the nationally syndicated radio talk show host, will retire from broadcasting effective March 17th of this year.

In a live simulcast, Alex Jones spoke to an audience of about 200 fans and journalists from a podium at the site of his latest venture located on William Cannon Blvd. and Nelms Dr. in Austin.

Dressed in a formal western suit, leather bolo tie (with an impressive diamond encrusted turquoise pendant) and a slick black stetson the brawny Texan shouted at the crowd through a gigantic cigar he had pursed between his lips.

"I'm taarrd of it all!" he proclaimed "We got shaved headed thugs running around tasering everybody, face scanning cameras everywhere, Al-Queda supposedly lurking around every corner! Meanwhile the borders are wide open, CPS is swipin' our kids for child slavery rings, pharma-controlled local governments are forcing mercury tainted vaccines on us! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! AAAAAUUUGGGHHH!!!!"

The emotional rant went on and on and save for only the most die hard of fans, many wondered what the point of all this was and even more curious what the empty lot and veiled poster board in the background had to do with it.

"I'm sorry" Alex continued after pausing to wipe his brow with an "AJ" embossed handkerchief "I'm already digressing...and I said i'd get to your calls...I mean...questions"

Anne Haversham, a reporter with the "Austin Un-American Staesman" was the first to get a question out to the formidable jock.

"Exactly why are you leaving radio? If all these problems exist like you say they do, are you not leaving behind a lot of un-finished business? Are you turning your back on your crusdade?"

"Look, Missy" responds Alex "I'm only one man and I can't do it all. Everybody expects me to be some kind of God Damn leader but I can't do it anymore! I look around me and all I see are chicken-necks, yuppies, good old boys and fake conservatives walkin' around feeling powerful while they wax their new mustangs with NRA stickers on 'em, swillin' down beer and watching football. They'd rather hang out with their buddies actin' tough in front of some bleach blonde whore and try to impress everybody festooned in trinkets and bobbles rather than to spend some time looking into the issues and trying to save this country! I'M SICK OF IT!!!"

It's then that Alex steps back from the podium and clutches a hem of the veil behind him.

"It's obvious no one gives a damn anymore" shouts Alex "So if everybody wants to walk through the gates of hell...I might as well punch their tickets at the door!!!"

Alex pulls back the veil and reveals a huge poster board with an architect's rendering of what appears to be a large rustic, "Texas Style" ranch house with a large neon sign over the door that reads "ALEX JONES' ROAD TO STEER-ANNY". Big red and yellow neon flames rise high off the letters in what appears to be part of an illustration of a proposed future steak house.

Alex confirms this by proclaiming "If you gotta fill your fat guts with flouridated beverages, genetically modified foods and hormone injected meat you might as well get it from me. You like being poisoned? Well Come on by! Bon Apetite"

At this point a young man sifts through the audience handing out flyers. Printed on a sheet of yellow paper, a full color photo of Alex Jones face stares back at you with a wink and a grin. Next to that is the name of the restaurant ("Alex Jones Road to Steer-anny) and below that is a list of some of the menu items that one can expect to be served at the future location. Among some of the more cleverly named entrees are the "Martial Law-Rise of the Cheese Steak", "Bilder-burger"(with or without bacon), "The World's Going to Hell in a Hand Basket of Shrimp" and the "Give Me LiberT-Bone Steak and Lobst-OR Give Me Death". There's also a number of BBQ dishes that feature Alex's new signature "Conspira-Sauce". But by far the most bizarre of these items are from the "Cross-Species" and "Chimera" menu that offer delicacies like "Grilled Spider-Goat", "Sauteed Rump of Blue-Glow Octo-Chimp" and "Broasted Mint de Chicken Gerbil"
At the bottom of the page is an "IMPORTANT NOTICE" that reads:

Pursuant to Texas State Law and effective April 20th, 2008, no fat asses will be served. Prospective patrons will be expected you weigh themselves prior to making a reservation to determine that they are within their ideal height/weight ratio. Weigh-in at lobby scale required before seating.

Alex goes on to describe that the steak house will capitalize on his "Conspiracy Theory" image with theme related features like a "Bohemian-Grove Salad Bar" and "Karaoke Night" where guests can sing along to bumper music (like the theme to Knightrider or the Pink Panther) from his past radio shows.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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