Knight sees the light, unretires

Funny story written by Kid Savage

Friday, 8 February 2008

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Tired of retirement after just two days, Bob Knight, college basketball's winningest coach, cited family reasons for his decision to return to the game and lead another head-in-the-sand program to the promised land.

"I thought I wanted to spend more time with my family," Knight said. "Then I realized I don't like my family, and I'd rather spend less time with them.

"I'm re-energized. Will somebody please hire me?"

Knight found a perfect home at Indiana University from 1971-2000, where he won three national championships and became an icon to the state's unsophisticated, rural population. They fed off Knight's basketball prowess as well as his childish outbursts, bright spots all in their weird, scraggly lives. Many Hoosiers still swear by Knight and his mixture of intelligence, discipline, heart, loyalty and uncontrolled, spastic behavior.

"What a nutjob, but he's our nutjob," said long-time Knight fan Lyle Ottoman of Hammond, Ind. "He's all Hoosier."

Finally, Knight was dismissed from IU and landed at Texas Tech following time off to have his brain scanned.

Knight resumed his career as the Red Raiders' coach, and although he made the program a winner, he never attained the god-like status the way he had in the heartland. His temper tantrums went virtually unnoticed in a state full of Bob Knights. And when vice president Dick Cheney shot his friend in the face during a Texas hunting accident, Knight knew his days were numbered.

"How can I compete with that?" Knight was heard to say.

Speaking off the record, Knight said that when a friend gets shot, he shouldn't whine about it. It's the unwritten guy code.

"When you think about it, if you know you're going to get shot, you might as well sit back and enjoy it," Knight said.

Knight indicated it shouldn't take long to find another job because he knows there are still plenty of basketball programs that hire crazy coaches, West Virginia being one when it hired troubled Bob Huggins last year.

"The time is right for a comeback," Knight said. "I was out of the game too long."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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