Rumsfeld: "We've Got it all Sewn Up"

Funny story written by Chuck Terzella

Friday, 16 April 2004

image for Rumsfeld: "We've Got it all Sewn Up"
"Keep it Clean"

In a sure sign that United States Secretary of Defense believes that the military situation in Iraq is falling apart, Donald Rumsfeld has ordered that more than 115 soldiers from the 974th Quartermaster Co. based in Amarillo Texas be kept in Iraq for an extra four months.

The 974th provide shower, laundry and clothing repair support. Mr. Rumsfeld said during an interview that the commanding General at Central Command requested the extensions.

"Central Command has specifically asked for this company, "The Sewing 974th", as they're called.", said Mr. Rumsfeld, " If anyone can keep the situation from falling apart, it's these brave men and women. As I've always said, what good are Apache Attack helicopters, Bradley Fighting Vehicles and laser guided missiles when our troops clothes are all dirty and torn? After all, when you're taking fire from every direction, when RPG's are exploding all around you and death is staring you in the face what's the one thing you want more than anything? That's right, clean, well tailored uniforms."

"Needless to say, we regret having to extend those individuals," Rumsfeld said. "But the country is at war, and we need to do what is necessary to succeed. Americans at home will just have to tighten there belts, especially since these brave tailors won't be there to take in their pants."

Soldiers in the flash point city of Fallujah have expressed relief at the news. Private H. Elpme, huddled behind his burned out Humvee and taking incoming rounds from three sides, said, " Jesus Christ, I was worried there for a minute. I've got this tear in my fatigues that has really had me scared, but as long as the 974th are still here I know we'll win. Thank God for Rumsfeld and the 974th!"

(This writer sincerely hopes that all the members of the 974th Quartermaster Company as well as all of our troops on the line come home safely. This story or any others I have written in no way implies that I have nothing but respect and admiration for their sacrifice.)

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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