Middle School students get culture from University field trip; remain shocked at what college has to offer

Funny story written by King David

Thursday, 22 November 2007


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Middle school children went absolutely bonkers when they saw this statue in the exibit

Eighth graders at a Middle School were taken to a local University for a field trip over the weekend. The University, was chosen because of its student diversity, great academic reputation and intimate setting with fewer numbers of students than nearby institutions.

"We hope that this is a memorable experience for our youngsters," said principal, Dr. Andy Griffith.

Reports say that after the students arrived on campus and saw the bell tower they transformed into medieval knights and magicians casting spells and turning each other into toads.

"We didn't expect that," said one teacher.

After children and faculty recovered from the spell, the kids were taken into Page Auditorium where they would receive a short orientation to the 8610-acre campus.

But after entering the auditorium, students and teachers were shocked to see dancers from New Haven, Connecticut's Pilobolus Dance Company dressed in skin-tight, beige leotards, that, from a distance, made them look naked up on stage and practicing a dance routine they called, Symbiosis. This was a far cry from the stiff, coat and tie university officials that they were expecting.

Having recovered from the overlap, teachers and parents were able to quiet the students to hear the orientation given by a student body member who must have been one of the most attractive women on campus.

"I liiiike this place," said one student grinning and with a slow, southern accent. "It makes me want to masticate."

"Masticate" was one of his vocabulary words last week.

After receiving a 10-minute orientation from Miss America, students were taken to Trinity College of Arts and Sciences. As soon as they entered the building, they discovered an exhibit of the work of 19th century French sculptor, Auguste Rodin on display in the foyer. It was unavoidable.

Famous sculptures such as "Fuckers," "The French Kiss" and "The Petit Torse (torso) Femeinin" arrested ADHD attention spans. One perceptive male noticed the French sculptor's obsession with hands and made the comment that Rodin liked hand jobs as much as he did. The most impressive works in this category were: "Hand of God," "The Hand of a Pianist," "The Masturbator," and "Masturbating Hands," a hellish inverse of "Cathedral Hands."

But female students were less impressed and tended to gravitate to "Eternal Idol" which depicts a young, naked woman half seated half kneeling, with her head bending forward and a dreamy look in her face, while a man kneeling before her goes down on her. The girls, not quite sure what they were looking at, still felt erotic feelings stir inside.

Some adults feigned repulsion.

Rodin's bronze penis head sculpture of French author, Honore de Balzac's penis seemed to also capture the girl's imagination as did "La Penis," or "thinking about sex," a portrait of Camille Claudel, a 19th century French prostitute in Paris.

After teachers and parents pried luridly fascinated students away from the sculptures, one student spotted a nude woman walking out of a door. After seeing the students, the woman began to run down the hall and disappeared. She had been in an art studio posing nude for an advanced drawing class.

The report from the Department of Theatre and Performing Arts wasn't much better. While touring Greene theatre where the school puts on most of its productions, students encountered an actress onstage rehearsing Eve Ensler's, "Vagina Monologues." Students were scuttled off again by irate teachers and parents who couldn't figure out what they had done to deserve this, but not after students noticed a flyer by the box office window advertising the UK play, "Declan McManus is a Douche bag."

At the student union for lunch, teachers and parents expected a reprieve, but things only got worse. Several students noticed a hot-pink flyer on the bulletin board that read: "Sex Toy Seminar 7:00pm, December 14th, the Kinsey Room, 4th floor of the School of Student and Faculty Sex." Another flyer next to it read: "Wanted, Participants for Sex Study. Free sex provided, free condoms. Results posted in Academic Journal for the Study of Sexuality (ASSJ)."

Several students, who didn't know whether they wanted to go to college, confessed on the spot that they did.

After hot dogs and cherry pie, students were taken to The School of Medicine where they got to watch from an observation deck future doctors perform a hysterectomy on a cadaver.

Several students, who had not been anesthetized by Halo 3 and were not used to the sight of so much blood, excused themselves to go to the bathroom only to walk in on a sperm donor who forgot to lock the door looking at pictures of naked women and masturbating into a plastic vial.

Students, parents and teachers returned to their school later in the afternoon, safely, but most will never recover from this field trip. However, many children, after hearing about their classmate's adventure in the School of Medicine say that they would like to become doctors.

The jury is still out as to whether they actually will.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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