Written by Chuck Terzella

Monday, 29 March 2004

The Bush Administration is up in arms about John Kerry's use of scripture in a church this week. Mr. Kerry, speaking in St. Louis at the New Northside Baptist Church quoted James, 2:14 which says something suitably biblical about something or another, as well as other passages equally, uh...biblical.

"How dare Kerry quote scripture, that godless Northeastern Intellectual Liberal Democratic Satan Lover?", asked Unnamed Administration Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, " We Republicans own the Bible! It's our Book! Just because the passages were apt and made sense is no excuse to even mention the Bible in a church. It's disgusting. The Bible should stay in the White House and Republican led Senate where God meant it to be."

God, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said, " Actually, I used to be Republican, but I've switched to the Greens in local elections and I vote Democratic in the nationals. I just got pissed off at the way Republicans were destroying Earth. I spent nearly a week putting that place together; sometimes I even put in extra hours, like on giraffes. For some reason I had trouble with giraffes...pain in the butt really, but that's beside the point. The point is that I'm gonna put the Smite on someone real soon if you pimply little humans don't stop screwing with my planet. There's gonna be a whole new meaning to phrase 'Burning Bush', if you get my drift."

Although God has come out publicly with His Democratic endorsement, Republicans can take heart in the fact that the Archangels are still firmly in the GOP fold, while the Cherubim and Seraphim are equally split between parties. Guardian Angels surprisingly do not follow their humans political preferences, instead there have been reports that these Divine Protectors have been allowing their human charges to be hit by busses, struck by lightning and sent to Iraq if they disagree with them politically. All in all, it promises to be a interesting political season.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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