AP - Washington, DC, USA - Vice President Dick Cheney was reported to be deep in the bowels of his Unterfuhrerbunker in recent days chanting over a bubbling cauldron filled with the blood of a hundred defenseless woodland creatures, the brain stem of an Iraqi child, eye of toad, gizzard of newt, and other unsavories. Close aides tell reporters that the VP seeks unprecedented new powers from his dark sires, including the ability to boil an infant's blood at a hundred yards with but a bone-chilling grin.
"We're really excited that His Lordship has extended his reach into the dark void that harbors a soul in a normal human being," said Imperial Arch-Crony Frank Rancor, "You can't imagine how awe-inspiring it is to watch His Lordship slowly drain the soul and vitality from a living sacrifice. This will be a major step forward in the War on Terror."
Besides ranged thermal infanticide and soul-draining, the VP is reputed to have the strength of eight men, reinvigorated sperm guaranteed to father the Antichrist should an unholy mating occur between Cheney and Ann Coulter, and the ability to materialize out of shadows and take the form of a hideous, blood-drinking dire bat. Other capabilities obtained from the Dark Forces have been classified under pain of ranged disembowelment (another rumored power).
Cheney has become even more elusive of late, though a string of unwed mothers, hobos, and inner-city black youth drained utterly of blood in the DC area indicates that he is alive, well, and fully enjoying his newfound abilities. Senators Joseph Lieberman (I-CT) and John McCain (R-AZ) both gave the VP glowing praise, though McCain's eyes were glazed and he was drooling, and a stooped, minuscule homonculus with bat wings and devil horns was whispering his responses into his ear. Said McCain, "All must praise His Lordship! Thou shalt bomb Iran!" Liebermann, while gracious, appeared covetous that he did not have a shoulder-riding imp feeding him his talking points, and is reportedly in talks with Cheney to join his coven of thralls in deed as well as word.