Paedophile Polygamist Cult Leader's Trial adjourned for conjugal visits

Funny story written by Noshing Mink

Wednesday, 12 September 2007


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Wife Number 46, LuAnn, plus mule Daisy, to whom Jeffs is only engaged to be married

Evil child-abusing hillbilly Warren Jeffs, who made up his own church so he could marry children and abuse them, went on trial in Hicksville, Deep South, USA. However, the trial was adjourned under constitutional laws to allow Jeffs conjugal visits with each of his wives, some of whom are as young as 14.

Judge Enos said:

"As the defendant has not been found guilty of any crime yet, his conjugal rights, which are enshrined in the Constitution, must be upheld. Since he has 70 wives and there are 5 working days in the week, the trial will be adjourned for 14 weeks."

The Judge refused a prosecution motion to halve the adjournment period on the basis that Jeffs could enjoy conjugal relations with more than one wife per day.

"We'll have none of that wham bam thank you ma'am in my court, if you please. The defendant is required to spend a whole day with each wife."

The Judge also refused a defense motion to extend the adjournment period to enable Jeffs to recover physically from his looming sexual duties.

"He should have thought of that before he married so many women."

Both the prosecution and the defense are appealing the terms of the adjournment and it seems likely that the trial won't take place until after the 14 weeks are up in any event. Meanwhile, Jeffs' attorney has denied rumours that his client has married three of his prison guards.

Jeffs is head of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, an off-shoot of the Mormons, who believe, based on alleged Native American etchings in a cave in Wyoming (which disappeared moments after they were first discovered), that Jesus Christ's last words were:

"Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani? [My God, My God, why hast thou forsaken me?] And by the way, I authorise men to have multiple wives and to marry children and mules called Daisy."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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