Tuscon, Arizona - (Ass Mess): A charismatic, evangelical, snake-charming, Southern Baptist church community is in shock after one of their prized congregation members, a rattlesnake called Big Bobby, suddenly died of acute food poisoning after biting Mrs America pageant contestant Mrs Tennessee.
"Big Bobby was just foolin' around," according to witnesses who saw 28 year old Christina Ryan bitten on the ass by the crafty rattler, outside Tuscon's Loews Ventana Canyon Hotel.
The snake immediately began having convultions "like it was peritonitis or somethin'" as pageant contestants rushed to Mrs Ryan's aid.
Next plucky Mrs Idaho - 37 year old Lauralyn Salinas, a registered snake-charmer - rushed to give Big Bobby mouth-to-mouth resuscitation ahead of calling 911.
While waiting for emergency medical help to arrive Mrs Salinas was able to extract the snake's fang from Mrs Ryan's ass "by sucking it out between her teeth until the fang popped out like a spindly cork" according to eyewitnesses outside the hotel.
Alas Big Bobby was not so lucky and after ten frantic minutes of foaming at the mouth, passed away horrbly contorted with paid "like anybody who's just eaten a salmonella-infested fajita".
A swift cremation followed.
