Passion Of The Christ: A Warlock Hunt

Funny story written by Blind Fool -••-

Friday, 20 February 2004


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Much controversy has surrounded Mel Gibson's film about the brutal torture and murder of humanity's most well-known religious figure. Taken from the gospel accounts in the Bible, the story revolves around the people who were ultimately responsible for Jesus' demise.

Watchdog groups, like the Anti-Defamation League, are charging that the movie unfairly portrays Jews senselessly killing the popular man of peace and are prophesying that this will spark an inferno of anti-semitism the likes of which haven't been seen since Hitler's third reich endeavor.

But there is another group of people, however, who are more prominent in the Christian narratives depicted doing the evil deed. No, it's not the Romans, though they are partially to blame as well. And it wasn't an SUV, those hadn't been invented yet.

It was men! That's right, nowhere in the gospels do you find a woman charged in any way with taking part in the two thousand year old crime. Every account has only males of the human species making the charges, decisions, and execution.

This revelation has government officials scrambling to devise a contingency plan to deal with the coming mayhem which will result upon the film's release. All resources have been diverted from the Homeland Security Task Force to form a new agency -- the Mens Emergency Security Service (MESS).

MESS has already started a radio, television and internet campaign designed to soften the carnage of the female-on-male hate crimes which everyone knows is going to happen. Women will become so outraged by the movie that they won't be able to control themselves.

Men will become the victims of a primordial feminine progesterone imbalance so severe that scientists calculate that it will cause mood swings ten times more violent than those produced during a normal monthly cycle. All men (and women who look like men) have been urged to head for the mountains.

"Get lost, guys," said recently appointed director of MESS Tom Ridge from a secret underground bunker. "It's going to get ugly out there. You have been warned." The nation is on color code red indefinitely.

Jets and bombers have been scrambled. They're going to start dropping chocolates and chick-flicks in the more heavily populated areas in hopes that they will slow down the attacks. Most experts remain doubtful, though.

Finally, Mel Gibson has revealed why he made the movie. After reading the Bible and realizing that men are the real evil in the universe, and after struggling with a deeply personal trans-gender issue, he wanted to start a sex-based holy war and knew that this film would be the trigger.

He has also decided to go through a gender-switching operation on the hit reality series "Really Really Extreme Makeover" and have his final reveal during the movie's premier. The actor/director/producer was quoted as saying, "As a woman you won't see me in any Mad Max or Lethal Weapon blockbusters anymore. From now on it's only going to be love, emotions and fashion dilemma roles for this movie star."

Reporter's Note: This news article sponsored by the National Organization of Women and the Ad Council.


The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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