Upper Management Jobs Outsourced

Funny story written by Adam Green

Tuesday, 17 February 2004

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In a bold move, 85 of the country's largest corporations, including Wal-Mart and telecommunications giant Viacom, announced that they would be outsourcing their upper management positions. The decision came after reading about the positive aspects of outsourcing and each company's board of trustees having actually examined upper management payroll records dating back to the early 1990's.

"The choice was a simple one," said Lockheed-Martin board member Alex Tennenbaum. "You ask yourself, why would I want to pay our CEO a ten figure salary when I can get an educated Chinaman to do the same work for a pittance?" The corporations that made the decision early Monday before the market opened said that they expect a marked increase in profits and consumer interest. "One look at consumer trends and you'll see that our profits are going to go through the roof," noted Wal-Mart chairman Luella Jane Smith. "Just think of it; we can undercut the competition by lowering prices, at the very least, another 5 cents, and at the same time cut our payroll expenses by 98%."

The upper management community was outraged. "How can they do this!" exclaimed Texaco CEO James Ferrel, "I've got a cocaine habit to feed!" He and fellow upper management staff are staging a protest at the local yacht club in defiance of the board's decision.

The move also came as a shock to employees who have worked for years, in some cases decades, under the same upper management staff. "Does this mean I get a vacation this year?" asked Jesse Franken, longtime Wal-Mart employee.

"We are making the way onto bettering an economy that has been badded by terror and… this is what makes it…we are continuing to grow," noted President Bush in a speech to a crowd of steel workers in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania who had recently lost their jobs. President Bush has made the economy a top speech priority now that the election year has arrived. He hopes to express to the American public the positive aspects of unemployment.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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