Maxwell Smart Memoirs Deliver Truth Behind JFK Assassination

Written by Jalapenoman

Monday, 2 July 2007

image for Maxwell Smart Memoirs Deliver Truth Behind JFK Assassination
The diary of Maxwell Smart reveals the truth about the JFK assassination

Memoirs of the late Maxwell Smart, a secret agent who worked many years for C.O.N.T.R.O.L., revealed the long, unknown truth about the assassination of John Fitzgerald Kennedy. The former President was shot in Dealey Plaza in Dallas, Texas in 1963.

Agent 86 recorded in his diary that he was in Dallas to investigate and follow a K.A.O.S. agent named Siegfried. While there, he went downtown to pick up some school supplies for a the children of his Chief. The Warren Commission showed that Lee Harvey Oswald, acting alone, fired three shots at the Presidential Motorcade from the Texas School Book Depository Building, the place Smart went to pick up the supplies.

The Friends, Co-workers, and Family
Retired agent 99, also the widow of Maxwell Smart, does not recall that mission. "I'm sorry, but Max was in Dallas when I was still in training at the academy. I was not cleared to see the files on what happened at the time, and my late husband and I never discussed this in person."

One C.O.N.T.R.O.L. survivor who does remember what happened is recently retired Chief Larabee. At the time of the incident, he was in the "clean up crew," helping to remove bodies after missions. After that, he became assistant to the Washington Bureau Chief and later assumed the roll himself.

"Now that the Warren Commission reports are de-classified, I can talk about what happened. This case really put Max between a rock and a hard place, being right there when a presidential assassination was going down. I help defuse the situation on the grassy knoll."

Current C.O.N.T.R.O.L. agent #132 is the granddaughter of both agents #13 and #44. She says that she discussed this with both of them before their deaths a few years ago when she was compiling a report history. "One of my grandfathers was in a mailbox just outside the depository. The other was disguised as a bush on the grassy knoll. They were both there to protect the President and had no idea that Max would stumble into the situation."

"Unfortunately, both were killed in the 9/11 attacks. Grandpa #13 was investigating a company in one of the towers and was disguised as a U.P.S. drop box. Grandpa #44 was at the Pentagon, inside of a trash can checking for security leaks."

Hymie the robot remembers processing data tapes of the case, but was not involved himself. "At the time, I was still an electric pencil sharpener in Argentina. It would be a few more years until I became self aware and got to know and work with Max. Nowdays, I'm retired and living with one of the fembots from The Bionic Woman, but I did love my days as a secret agent."

What Happened in 1963
The diary of Maxwell Smart describes it this way (except for headings and the end note, everything that follows is quoted directly from the pen of Agent #86):

As I was preparing to go into the book warehouse and get the supplies I needed, I saw that the presidential motorcade was entering the area. I waved at JFK, I had saved his life on numerous occasions, and started to turn to go into the building. A reflection on the glass across the street made me look up and see the barrel of a gun protruding from a window several stories above me.

I yelled at agent #13, whose disguise was a little wanting, to warn the President while I ran into the building. By the time I arrived at the sixth floor, it was too late. KGB trained assassin Lee Harvey Oswald had already fired his shots. I'm not sure how many there were."

"I shot over his shoulder at the men I saw with guns on the famous grassy knoll across the way. Agent #44 was already wrestling with one, and I managed to take him out. Before I could finish my attack, Oswald had his gun turned on me."

"Many people claimed to have heard as many as six shots. I know that I fired three and Oswald had three spent casings on the floor beside him. This should clear up that mystery, but the Warren Commission did not want this information included in any report."

"When he (Oswald) got the drop on me, he told me to drop my gun. I set it down slowly and he hit me over the head with his rifle butt."

"I came to a minute later and gave chase."

"I really think that if I had arrived later, Jackie and Governor Connelly and his wife would have been killed also. I also think that the men on the grassy knoll were not really with Oswald at all, because when I fired at them, they were looking up in suprise at the Depository Building."

"Both of them were killed, however, and their bodies were spirited away by agents #13 and #44. Autopsies revealed that they were from the Fatherland, Argentina, and may have been KAOS agents."

The Chase
I caught up with Oswald outside of a movie theatre and followed him inside. I put my gun to his back and had him follow me upstairs to an old balcony that was being used for storage. When I tried questioning him, we kept getting shushed by the people below, so I put him inside of an old glass popcorn machine. This quieter, enclosed glass space was what gave me the original idea for the cone of silence, later build for me by Dr. Cone.

Oswald would admit nothing but his name. He did say that his masters, the Gollywoggles, would not like me capturing him and would some day get even with me.

Further interrogation went something like this:

Smart: "Okay, Oswald, I've got thirty six agents outside with guns and a doctor with truth serum and torture devices to get the full story out of you."

Oswald: "I don't believe you."

Smart: "Would you believe two squad cars and a nurse with a rubber hose?"

Oswald: "No!"

(this was going to be a tough nut to crack)

Smart: "How about a ticket taker chewing on a straw?"

I was distracted by a ringing in my shoe and he managed to escape. I understand later that he had gone into the theatre and tried to finish watching the movie, where he was later apprehended.

The Aftermath
Under extreme interrogation, Oswald did not crack. He was killed by Jack Ruby as we attempted to take him from the police station.

The Congress, the Warren Commission, the FBI, the CIA, and C.O.N.T.R.O.L. did not want to admit that K.A.O.S. was operating that deeply within the United States and had an opportunity to kill the President. All felt together that it was best if we allowed the story that Lee Harvey Oswald, acting alone, killed JFK. After all, he had fired the fatal shots.

I was sworn to secrecy and could not admit to my participation and knowledge until after the release of the Warren Commission report and the report of the Joint Committee. We were lucky that the famous Zapruder film never shot our way or captured any of our pictures.

I guess I will carry this secret to my grave, having only written it down here in my diary. This, of course, is kept locked up in my safe and is closely guarded by Agent Fang.

I know that if I had only been a few minutes earlier...a few seconds faster....I could have saved the President. This knowledge helped make me a better secret agent, causing me to win agent of the year awards in 1965 and 1966 and again in the 70's and 80's.

I guess my mission and goal were a success. I was there when the former Manson girls tried to shoot President Ford. I was there when Hinkley tried to kill President Reagan. I was there when Dubya tried fart lighting after eating corned beef and cabbage on St. Patrick's Day. No other President ever died on my watch!

Note: Maxwell Smart passed away in September of 2005.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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