Written by Aces-high

Thursday, 21 June 2007

image for Shock: Two Women Detained In "Cigarette City"
Two women held on charges after upsetting bar patrons.

CONSTITUTION, SC - Otherwise known as "Cigarette City" by its locals because of the city's ban on non-smokers in its restaurants and bars, Constitution, SC has become a haven for free-thinkers and constitutionalists from across the country. A drive down Main Street will please your senses with the smell of lilacs and magnolia in bloom, the sight of children running down the street with balloons that read "Freedom," the sound of the mockingbird, and the liberating scent of cigars and cigarettes blowing and circling down the streets, as of a magic potion, or an answer. But, a disturbing incident last week has caused the people of this beautiful city to go about their business unscathed.

At 2:10 am last Thursday, two women, Rachel DeKunnie-Ivanoff-Millberg, 47, and her wife, Lauren C. Bildoe-Millberg, 47, both of Cambridge, MA, were found in the alley between the Steak and Cigar Smokehouse and the Laramie Lounge on Liberty Street. They needed no medical attention, but were "visibly shaken," and "in a state of shock," according to local police. They were fully clothed and had not been sexually assaulted, which came as no shock to authorities. Sheriff Bohner T. Justice, who suffers from premature dementia and a dangle belly, said at a recent press conference, that, "Not a whole woop of a lot fur me to do right now and right cheer. Jus hopin' the Federal boys can figer it out."

Garcia Y. Vega, bartender at the Laramie Lounge, said, "When them two came in here with those Birkenstocks, short hair, and high-falootin' attitude, I knew there'd be trouble."

Billy Joe "Fred" Bello, a patron at the Laramie Lounge that night, explained it this way, "I comes in there, and the only free stool was near these non-smoking, mean-looking gals. So I alls sit there, order a brew, and lights-up a smoke. Wouldn't ya know it, theys all start giving me them stupid fake coughs that non-smokin' gals enjoy doin' when they see a man with a smoke. Land sakes that pisses me off!"

Both Millbergs say that they went down to Constitution to "shake 'em up." They don't smoke, and they felt "violated" and "disenfranchised" that there is a place where men have the right to smoke.

Rachel DeKunnie-Ivanoff-Millberg said that, "They asked my wife and I to leave, we refused, and whined that we are allowed anywhere we want to be."

Rachel's wife Lauren told police, "After that, they forced us to drink Moonshine out of a dirty ashtray. They force fed us pickled eggs and made us smoke smelly cigars and several packs of cigarettes. I hope I'm not an addict." She continued, "They then tied us down to chairs and gave us these tattoos of the US Flag. Rachel was so upset by the US Flag that she urinated on herself…that's when they let us go."

Both Millberg's are being held on several charges, including: not smoking in a smoking only establishment; inciting bad behavior; reckless talkism; disturbing the peace; and visual, auditory, and olfactory assault and battery. A hearing is scheduled for whenever Sheriff Justice returns from fishing.

"We have a sayin' right cheer in Constitution: 'You bettah be smokin', and we aint a jokin,'" said Sheriff Justice.

Copyright 2007 Aces-high

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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