Lindsay Lohan pleads no contest; will accept anal bleaching, community service

Funny story written by Chief Cheese

Wednesday, 30 May 2007

Hollywood (Spoof News) Lindsay Lohan has decided to take the advice of both her publicist and her attorney, and to plead no contest to the charges of driving under the influence and leaving the scene of a crime. Lohan also spoke with her mother for a minute or two.

Her arrest stemmed from an incident on Saturday night when Lohan crashed her Mercedes in to a curb on the way back home from a party.

"It was the party introducing Lindsay's upcoming role in the remake of the 1978 movie G-String which starred Farrah Fawcett. Lindsay will of course reprise Miss Fawcett's role," said Kerry Snowball, Miss Lohan's publicist. "In no way is Miss Lohan admitting guilt by pleading no contest. It's just that we feel that her public is better served by not seeing her stand trial. Plus, her movie schedule really won't allow for any jail time. Paris Hilton may be able to manage it, but Lindsay cannot."

"The evidence seems pretty overwhelming," said Lohan's attorney Ira Flensberg. "And the district attorney offered us a deal that we had a hard time turning down. I think he's a big fan of Miss Lohan, and I promised him a spot at the meet-and-greet for Lindsay after the bleaching. I think the judge is coming too.

"She had the bleaching scheduled already anyway-but of course I didn't tell them that. Now that the deal's final, well I guess the joke is on them."

"Community service can do nothing but advance Lindsay's career," noted Snowball. "Do you know how many people will see her as she picks up litter along the freeway for a week? And she looks so gorgeous in orange."

"I think this is a very dangerous and sad precedent for the judge to be setting. I mean, what kind of example is this for teenage girls?" said Regina Dentata, an assistant DA not involved in the deal. "Anal bleaching at 20 years old is just ridiculous. 40 years old minimum. I could probably use it myself."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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