US Gas Prices Soar to $25 / Gallon

Funny story written by Evan Essence

Tuesday, 22 May 2007

image for US Gas Prices Soar to $25 / Gallon
Cheney fills his 4x4 with tax dollars

A sudden, and dramatic surge in oil prices, Tuesday, resulted in prices at the pump reaching a record $25 per gallon, throughout most of the United States. The nationwide hike in prices followed an announcement this week, by the newly formed HOPEC (Haliburton's Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries), that it was shifting its petroleum distribution efforts, away from the US, to China, and other newly emerging Asian economies.

Oil production experts say that the rapid spike in oil prices has less to do with economics, than with the global re-alignment of geopolitical power.

Harvard professor of Political Science, Barney Hampton, provided this analysis: "The media didn't pay much attention, to the announcement on May 11, 2007, that Haliburton was moving its corporate headquarters from the United States, to the City of Dubais, in the United Arab Emerits. This departure from the US was triggered by the fact that Haliburton was under investigation by both the Justice Department and the Securities and Exchange Commission, and was facing oversight by a hostile, Democratically controlled congress."

"Haliburton's current president, David J. Lesar, has said China's booming economy represents the future of the world…and marketing to China will be the focus of his company's business strategy. Mr. Lesar…who spends his days in a corporate jet, circling the globe, from which he issues commands to his executives…is now largely unaccountable to anyone else," professor Hampton added.

Professor Hampton continued, "Most Americans bought into the idea that Haliburton, and its former president, Dick Cheney, were loyal to the United States … and that everything they did for the petroleum industry, was in our country's best interest. Now, even conservative Republican senators are acknowledging, that the oil tycoons have simply been using their grip over the American government, and its military forces, for their own vested interest, and never had any loyalty to America, in the first place."

Professor Hampton leaned back in his chair, and pressed the palms of his hands together, and added "And this recent HOPEC oil embargo is a deliberate effort to blackball Congress into continuing to follow the oil industry's agenda... by bringing the entire American economy to its knees."

Immediately following Tuesday's startling spike in gas prices, David Lesar's grinning face appeared on many Congressional leader's computer monitors… laughing uproariously, waving his middle finger, and yelling "Suck my D*ck!".

At a press conference this afternoon, a snarling Dick Cheney (wearing sunglasses, and a T-shirt that said "Eat Me!") announced that a nuclear attack on Iran is imminent. "There is so much oil under Iran, that we can't continue to let a rogue nation like that, use its oil revenues to fund terrorists around the world. Unfortunately, it has become necessary to annihilate Iran's entire population of terrorist sympathizers, so that their oil revenues can be used, in the future, to support Peace and Democracy around the world."

At 2 PM, Speaker Nancy Peolsi emerged from an emergency summit on the impending economic collapse of the US oil-based infrastructure, and tearfully announced that a nuclear attack against Iran cannot be averted.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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