President Bush, striking back at Jimmy Carter for his interview with the Arkansas Democrat newspaper, says that the former President broke the law. "Jimmy done it to hisself," said Mr. Bush. "He off and violated the Patriot Act. I put that in place just so people couldn't insult me and my administration, and what did that peanut farmin' feller go and do?"
Lawyers for Carter were quick to state that the former President is guaranteed freedom of speech under the constitution. They also said that the freedom of information act can be manipulated in such a way to allow free speech.
Bush, however, would not budge. "Abraham Lincoln, the third greatest President in this country after me un my daddy, suspended Habeaus Corpus Christi and the Bill of Rights during the Civil War. I'm just using my implied powers to do the same thing."
When asked what punishment he would inflict on the former President, Bush said "We're actually gonna start with the newspaper. There's a Republican Governor in Arkansas who wants to be President next? He's gonna have ta shut er down. We'll patriot act that printing press into rubble, if Arkansas has any bomber pilots in their National Guard who actually show up for duty."
"As for the former President, I may just have to exile him to some foreign country. We'll send him to one of those little, insignificant places no one ever visits like Vermont or New Hampshire. See if he likes havin ta learn a new language and speak Vermontenese or Hamshireese or sumthin."
When a secret service agent whispered into the President's left ear that these two places were actually states, he had to stop and think for a few minutes. "Okay, since them places won't work, we'll just ship him to Wichita. I know that ain't in the United States cuz I heard of Wichita State University and I know there's no state of Wichita."