CCN (Crazy Cal News) - Ripley, WV - Today, after throwing a beer bottle at President George W. Bush's RV, TheSpoof.com reporter CalJennings felt guilty and went back to see if he could help. When he got to the president's RV, Bush stumbled out in an alcoholic stupor.
"What the hell do you want," asked Bush. "You're half the reason I'm inebre... inbrea... inibritat... drunk. You an' them other Spoof reporters have been makin' fun a me. Besides, God is dead. Jerry Falwell died yesterday."
CalJennings said that he decided to stop to see if he could help because it was the Christian thing to do. "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect," said CalJennings, quoting Jesus words.
"Where did you get that nonsense," said Bush. "I'm the Christian president. I know the Bible says to hate your enemies. An eye for an eye, and all that."
CalJennings proceeded to try to fix Bush's RV, but Bush wouldn't have it. "I ain't lettin' no long haired hippy touch MY RV," said Bush. Bush then proceeded to pummel CalJennings with empty beer cans. A S.S. agent tried to calm Mr. Bush down and get his mind off of CalJennings fixing his RV.
"Take your damn hands off my you fool," said President Bush. "I'm takin' on this hippy myslef. Mr. Bush then charged CalJennings, but Cal just stepped out of the way, and Mr. Bush fell to the ground. CalJennings tried to help the president up, but Mr. Bush wouldn't have it.
"Git yer damn hippy hands off of me," yelled Bush. "I might get love beads or sum dusease like that from you touchin' me."
CalJennings finally gave up, got in his car, and drove off.