Alaska - (Ass Mess): Former Alaskan state legislator Bruce Weyhrauch is being blamed today by fellow members of the Corrupt Bastards Club for setting in motion a bizarre chain of natural and unnatural events that began when he fell of his boat last month into the icy seas around Juneau.
Weyhrauch was eventually rescued after a night of misery out in the open, soon followed up by many more nights of misery as Feds pounced and busted him on bribery charges.
Today's breaking news that a Juneau-bound paddlewheeled cruiser, the Empress of the North, ran aground in waters possibly hexed by corrupt VECO paymasters and their hirelings in the Alaskan state legislature has sent a shiver of dread among remaining Corrupt Bastard members waiting in dread for that 6am FBI knock on their front doors.
The Empress, whimsically named after puppet monarch Elizabeth II, was carrying nearly 300 passengers and crew when the calm Alaskan waters became just too much for her and she drifted into the Heinous Reef sandbank - dubbed the Weyhrauch Strait after the Veco-paid tosser who fell off his boat nearby.
Coastguards have been unable to explain how today's disaster occured.
However, local folklore says there may be some form of phenomenon similar to the recently documented gravitational shadow hanging over North America left over from the last ice age.
"Maybe it's a hex and maybe it's a gravity glitch, and maybe it's just a synchronous chain tellin' us somethin'," said Harbourmaster Erik G Narley.
"Anyways, Majestic America that owns the cruiser has had a shock. That boat's now listing and taking in water. We think a capsize may be imminent."
Further news is expected today.