Corrupt Bastards Handcuffed

Funny story written by Cal Jennings

Saturday, 5 May 2007

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Stop the Satan Worshiping Corrupt Bastards Club!

CCN (Crazy Cal News) - Alaska - Alaska State House Representative Vic Kohring, Former state legislator Bruce Weyhrauch, and Former state legislator Pete Kott were hauled off in handcuffs as the Corrupt Bastards Club members were brought down by the FBI.

Rumors had focused on three current legislators whose offices the FBI searched last summer -- Sens. John Cowdery, R-Anchorage; Donny Olson, D-Nome; and Rep. Vic Kohring, R-Wasilla, but so far they have escaped proscecution.

"I have no problems with my indictment," Cowdery told KTUU-TV. "I don't think it's ever going to be one. I think we finally offered the FBI agents enough money to look the other way."

The investigation of Veco, whose headquarters is in Alaska, but also has offices in Bellingham, Washington, Colorado, Wyoming, Calgary, Alberta, Burnaby, British Columbia, Barbados, Sakhalin Island, Russia, India, and the United Arab Emirates, has brought to light that they were not only the prime contractor cleaning up the Exxon Valdez oil spill, but also a dominant campaign contributor on Alaska. In the mid-1980s, they were fined $28,000 for a scheme that funneled secret donations to select candidates. The fine was the largest fine ever levied by the Alaska Public Offices Commission.

"A drop in the bucket," said a spokesman for Allen Limited Partnership. "Hell, that's not even pocket change for my son when he takes a chick out on a date. I could spend $28,000 on hookers in one afternoon. That doesn't even amount to my bar tab."

Kohring was charged in federal court yesterday with extortion and bribery in connection with the Legislature's consideration of an oil tax bill and then-Gov. Frank Murkowski's natural gas pipeline proposal last year.

"Extortion is part of the job," said Kohring. "When you're part of SPECTRE, that kind of thing is expected of you. The penalty for not being involved in extortion is death."

The initials of SPECTRE stand for SPecial Executive for Counter-intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion and is the hidden corporation behind the Corrupt Bastards Club.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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