WASHINGTON, DC –
In a seismic upheaval of the U.S. financial system, President Donald J. Trump has announced the immediate cancellation of all Federal Reserve debt, the abolition of the Fed itself, and the end of taxation as we know it. The U.S. Treasury will now print all Dollars—on skin-colored parchment stained with the blood of “financial criminals”—with each note carrying a five-year expiration date. The radical overhaul, dubbed the “Trump Turnover,” has also reduced the IRS to a four-man hit squad tasked with enforcing the new currency’s rules. The world, as one economist put it, is about to get bloody weird.
“Taxes? Done. Federal Reserve? Gone. Boring money? History!” Trump declared at a Mar-a-Lago press conference, waving a crimson-streaked prototype Dollar. “These new Dollars expire in five years, folks—use ’em or lose ’em! Keeps the economy moving at light speed, like me. And the ink? Made from the blood of Wall Street crooks and counterfeiters. It’s justice, it’s beautiful, it’s tremendous!” The announcement has sparked chaos, confusion, and a bizarre enthusiasm among Trump’s inner circle.
Existing currency will expire in 2026, not 2020 as initially misstated by a White House intern, and can be swapped for the new expiring Dollars until then. Banks will track each note’s expiration date, rendering money non-fungible—every Dollar’s ticking clock follows it through checks and transfers. The notes, printed on eerie parchment, bear no portraits, only stark red text: “This treasury note is loaned to the world for a period of five years, expiring on mm/dd/yyyy. It is legal tender. Refusal to accept this note is a capital offense. Counterfeiting this note is a capital offense. Please recycle. Non-returnable.”
In an exclusive interview with The Bloody Buck Bulletin, Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin, IRS hit squad leader “Mad Dog” Malone, and MAGA economist Judy Shelton weigh in, joined by a skeptical Janet Yellen and a baffled Elon Musk.
Steve Mnuchin: “Blood Money’s the Future!”
Mnuchin, polishing a stack of crimson Dollars, was all in. “The Fed was a swamp monster, sucking America dry. Now the Treasury’s in charge, printing money with purpose. The blood ink? It’s symbolic—crooks pay, we profit. Expiration dates keep people spending, not hoarding. Savings accounts? Overrated. Velocity of money’s hitting warp speed!” When asked whose blood is used, Mnuchin smirked. “Let’s just say some bankers won’t be at Davos this year.”
“Mad Dog” Malone: “Refuse the Dollar, Meet the Squad!”
“Mad Dog” Malone, head of the IRS’s new four-man hit crew, brandished a bat emblazoned with “TAX-FREE” in red. “No more 1040s, no more audits—just us, enforcing the new Dollar. Refuse to accept it? Capital offense. Counterfeit it? Capital offense. We’ve got a list of Wall Street types whose blood’s already in the ink vats. Step outta line, you’re next.” Malone confirmed the hit squad’s motto: “Recycle the note, or we recycle you.”
Judy Shelton: “This Is Economic Freedom!”
MAGA economist Judy Shelton called it a masterstroke. “Expiring money forces circulation—velocity approaches the speed of light , like Trump said. No more stagnant wealth, no more elitist Fed. The blood ink’s a message: mess with America’s money, you bleed. People will spend like crazy—businesses boom, jobs explode. It’s capitalism on steroids!”
Shelton dodged questions about hyperinflation, muttering, “Details, details.” (Editorial commentary: Obviously inflation is not possible when the money is automatically removed from the system - duh).
Janet Yellen: “This Is Insanity!”
Former Fed Chair Janet Yellen, reached via Zoom, was apoplectic. “Abolishing the Fed? Expiring Dollars? Blood ink? This is economic vandalism! Money’s supposed to be stable, not a ticking time bomb. And executing people for refusing a Dollar? That’s dystopian! The velocity of money doesn’t need to hit light speed—it needs predictability. Trump’s turned the Treasury into a horror show.” Yellen’s X post, “#SaveTheFed,” has 3 million likes but zero traction.
Elon Musk: “I’m Moving to Crypto!”
Elon Musk, tweeting from a SpaceX launchpad, was nonplussed. “Blood Dollars? Expiration dates? Sounds like a bad sci-fi flick. I’m sticking with Dogecoin and Starlink micropayments. Earth’s economy is a clown car—good luck with your spooky parchment. I’m on Mars by 2027.” When asked if Tesla would accept the new Dollars, Musk quipped, “Sure, if I can trade ’em for rocket fuel before they expire.”
Chaos and Crimson Cash
The Trump Turnover has upended daily life. Banks are scrambling to install “expiration trackers,” with tellers training to spot counterfeit blood ink. Retailers report panic-buying as citizens ditch savings accounts, fearing their Dollars will vanish. “I bought a hot tub, three TVs, and a pony!” crowed one Texan on X. “Ain’t letting my money expire!” Posts like “#BloodyBucks” and “Spend or Die!” are trending, alongside memes of Trump bathing in red ink.
The IRS hit squad, meanwhile, is making waves. A viral video shows “Mad Dog” Malone chasing a hedge fund manager who refused a new Dollar, yelling, “Recycle or regret it!” Economists warn of hyperinflation and black markets for “evergreen” cash, but Trump remains unfazed, tweeting: “Best economy EVER! No taxes, no Fed, just WINNING! Spend your Bloody Bucks, folks—expiration’s coming!”
A Five-Year Gamble?
As the nation adjusts to its non-fungible, blood-stained currency, questions swirl. Will expiring Dollars spark prosperity or pandemonium? Will the IRS hit squad keep order, or become a feared myth? And whose blood is really in the ink? For now, America’s counting down its cash, one crimson note at a time.
