Gays in the military learning to "embrace the suck"

Funny story written by King David

Friday, 9 March 2007


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Gays in the military learning to "embrace the suck"

Gays in the military, an extremely masculine environment, not only have to put up with possible jeering from their heterosexual peers, but also must learn to speak another language. That's in addition to having to learn any foreign language that they must acquire in preparation toward entering and serving in a foreign country. In short, military gays are learning to "embrace the suck."

"Embracing the suck" simply means, "Face it, soldier. I've been there. This ain't easy. Now let's deal with it," says Austin Bay, retired U.S. Army reservist who has published a book on military lingo called, Embracing the Suck: A pocket guide to Military Speak.

According to Austin, the two reasons that idioms are invented is for utility and to enhance group identity.
Take, for instance, the trumpeter swan mating ritual that requires young male trumpeter swans to learn certain "dance steps" in order to attract and impress potential mates. Young male swans, if they don't learn these steps, may never attract a female and, therefore, never mate. Their acquisition of this particular language is crucial for their survival, both as an individual swan and as a group, or species. The same rules apply in the military.

But gays say that this can be a very confusing task because some words used in both gay and military lingo are often similar. Take, for instance the word, "hummer." A hummer in military speak is an armored (sometimes) all-terrain vehicle used for patrols. A hummer in gay-speak means?. You see the point.

The following is a list (compiled and adapted from internet sources) of similar words and meanings that are often confusing to gay soldiers:

Back to the taxpayers: (military) Navy slang for where a wrecked aircraft gets sent.
Barfairy bargain basement: (gay) any place were it is easy to find a partner for sex
Backslidioushypocritious: (gay) a bible-thumping hypocrite

Beltway clerk: (military) A derisive term for a Washington political operative or civilian political hatchet man-in other words, someone who trades on his supposed political connections. May refer to so-called "Washington defense experts" who have never served in the armed forces.
Butter, Bake and Baste: (gay) Rubbing suntan lotion on an acquaintance getting them relaxed, then penetrating them anally
Benjamin: (gay) a $100.00 bill, or someone who accepts money for sexual favors.
Brownie Queen: (gay) Man who prefers to be penetrated in gay sex

Embrace the suck: (military) The situation is bad, but deal with it.
Hold onto the eggs in the basket: (gay) hold onto your testicles

Fallujah: (military) An Iraqi city. As slang, however, the phrase "another Fallujah" means a screwed-up place crawling with bad guys.
Fantabalusa: (gay) Anything wonderful, or fantastic

FOB: (military) Forward Operations Base ("the yard"). Protected area for Iraqi or coalition soldiers.
Foop: (gay) an effeminate male or to have gay sex
FOTC: (gay) Fuck of the century
Fogle: (gay) handkerchief

Fobbits: (military) Derogatory term for soldiers who never leave a FOB.
Fuzznuts: (gay) a boy or young man with no pubic hair

FUBAR: (military) F***** Up Beyond All Recognition. Fake acronym. A World War II term still in use.
Fucked up the ass: (gay)

FUBIJAR: (military) A play on FUBAR. F***** Up, But I'm Just A Reservist. A sarcastic jab by a reservist at criticism from a regular.
Friends with benefits: (gay) a good friend who is open to have sex, but not a long-term relationship

Groundhog Day: (military) Every day of your tour in Iraq. Terms suggests the days never change-always long and hot, and the same events keep recurring. From the Bill Murray movie Groundhog Day.
Ground woman: (gay) a homosexual with an unrestrained sexual appetite
Hound dog: (gay) same as above

Hooah: (military) U.S. Army slang. Actually a shout. Signals approval or solidarity. Means most anything except "no."
Hot rocks: (gay) horny, or hot to trot

John Wayne Driving School: (military) Banging up a Humvee in the process of teaching new soldiers to drive it.
Driving the John: (gay) fucking a masculine lesbian
Driving John & Joan: (gay) fucking a bisexual person
Inserting the Dipstick: (gay) inserting the penis

LPCs: (military) Leather Personnel Carriers. Better known as boots.
Luppies: (gay) lesbian urban professionals (in boots)

Marineland: (military) Slang for Iraq's Anbar province, which is largely patrolled by U.S. Marines
Marlboro Country: (gay) a place with an abundance of rough studs ready for sex

Mookie: (military) Nickname for Iraqi Shia leader Muqtada al-Sadr. See: Mahdi Militia. ("Hey, the Cav's going back into Najaf. Mookie and the Mookie Army are restless again.")
Moffie: (gay) a gay man
Moey: (gay) a mouth

MOUT: (military) Military Operations in Urban Terrain. A general description for house-to-house searches, raids, and patrols in an urban area.
Mutant: (gay) a transgendered person
Munch: (gay) a social gathering of the fetish community usually in a restaurant

Pig looking at a wristwatch: (military) Slang for a dumbfounded look. ("Stop looking at that mop like a pig looking at a wristwatch, and clean the floor.")
Plate of ham on the clock: (gay) a blow job in a hurry
Pork on the clock: (gay): to be on top in sex during a quickie

Ranger candy: (military) An 800-milligram Motrin (ibuprofen) pill.
Rainbow dick: (gay) a penis with a downward curve

Semper Fi: (military) U.S. Marines motto, short for "Semper Fidelis," which is Latin for "Always Faithful."
Sing the sailors songbook: (gay) the sound of a man being screwed by a politician with more money than he has

Semper I: (military) Pejorative Marine lingo for being overly concerned with one's own personal interests.
Shonen-AI: (gay) boy love

Semper Gumby: (military) Another play on Semper Fi. Means "always flexible."
Sailor Queen: (gay) male prostitute

Semper Knife: (military) Yet another twist on Semper Fi. Means "backstabbing."
Scene Queen: (gay) a Washington opportunist

Turkey peek: To glance around or over an object or surface, such as a corner or wall. ("Now, once you're in there, do a turkey peek around the wall then move to the next building.")
View the twatarooney: (gay) to see the anus

Speaking about military lingo, Ted Koppel said that "there must be an acronym for everything."

In other news today, Britney Spears is learning to "embrace the suck."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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