Psychics, clairvoyants, mediums, Ms. Cleo (is she still alive?) and all the seers employed by the National Enquirer banded together to do a big séance to see what kind of year 2023 will be.
But something went horribly wrong!
A ghost interrupted the séance (which should’ve been the point, but the ghost had ideas of his own.) It was the ghost of Bob Dole, formerly alive American Republican Senator who once tried to be president.
He was pissed off, didn’t like what America had become, said if things didn’t change he would come back and start kicking some ass. As when he was alive, for some bizarre reason, he always referred to himself in the third person.
This is what he said:
Bob Dole was a tough son of a bitch. Lost an arm in a war – some war, there are always wars to lose parts of yourself in … just like love.
Bob Dole is like energy itself – he can be neither created nor destroyed. That’s the Dole-meister in a nutshell! Tough talking, Bob Dole stood out of his wheelchair at the funeral of George H.W. Bush to salute the dead. That’s THE DOLE!
When Bob Dole fucks, he fucks hard and fast and leaves them all with a broken heart. Bob Dole don’t like the way things are, and Bob Dole is everywhere. Bob Dole will take over your movies and TV shows and records (do you young people still have records?) ‘cuz no one fucks with the Bob Dole.
Here’s a sample of what Bob Dole can do, so listen up you young people:
I love the smell of – Bob Dole – in the morning
In World War II, the average age of an American soldier was 26; in Vietnam it was – Bob Dole
We got no food, we got no jobs, are pets heads are – Bob Dole
Say hello to my little – Bob Dole
I’m gonna make him a – Bob Dole – he can’t refuse
You had me at – Bob Dole
You can’t handle the – Bob Dole
I did not have a – Bob Dole – with that woman
Show me the – Bob Dole
Come with me if you want to – Bob Dole
Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your – Bob Dole
Bob Dole – you’re trying to seduce me
Im outa order? Youre outa order! The whole – Bob Dole – is outa order!
I’m as mad as hell and I can’t take – Bob Dole – anymore!
We’re gonna need a bigger – Bob Dole
Luke, I am your – Bob Dole
Do I make you – Bob Dole – baby, yeah!
Use the – Bob Dole – Luke.
Bob Dole – phone home
I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe … Bob Dole … on fire off the shoulder of Orion …
I got your – Bob Dole – right here, baby!
You want more of that? No?! Then don’t piss off Bob Dole so he has to come back to start kickin’ ass and takin’ names! Bob Dole! BOB DOLE!
