Former presidential hopeful Bob Dole declares victory today at a hastily thrown-together press conference compiled of suspicious reporters.
With arms stretched skyward in a one-man victory celebration behind a his crying grandson as a podium, Dole pledged four years of free nachos and goat's milk because, as he says, "that's why Zeldar made me President."
At this point local authorities realized he'd either missed his medication or completely lost it.
As Police Chief Larry Goldbrook approached Dole to try and escort him into a waiting ambulance, the ailing states-man reached for his umbrella and jabbed him in the midsection adding, "this is for Saigon."
"The freak tried to bayonet me," said Goldbrook.
