Having liberated most of those accused of crimes in large urban centers, Soros’ leftwing Open Society has found a new set of injustices to remedy, in Hell.
“We have appealed to Satan to democratize the justice system in Hell. Rather than damning the accused for very long harsh sentences and subjecting them to indignities such as smoking, obscene language, nudity, and mature content, we asked that he let the damned go free on supervised release while awaiting their eternal judgement. We conveyed to him how we have done the same thing for our large cities and that in our view Hell is long overdue for a similar reform.
Surprisingly, Satan’s spokesperson, the recently deceased Jay Carney of the Obama White House, said that his new chief had agreed to consider the proposal and hinted broadly that there was a deal to be made. While details are still under wraps, the emerging agreement will apparently permit Satan to occupy the soulless corpus of the Mark Zuckerberg entity, giving him opportunity to document and properly contextualize the liberating social and other changes that will inevitably follow the loosing of Hell’s demons on earth.
According to Carney, “contextualizing” the expected changes would not exclude kinetic explanations for Republicans wherever these are needed.
Soros himself will be allowed to live another century or two–with details still subject to negotiation—but long enough in any case to see the replacement of the existing human project with a completely egalitarian civilization ruled by a philosopher-billionaire to be named later. In this new and better world, Carney added, there would be no need for police, jails, prosecutors or armies, although demons would be on call to maintain morale should misinformation be discovered or anything unexpected occur.
“We now understand why all previous attempts to construct a vast global commune have failed,” Soros informed shocked reporters shouting questions and complaints as they were being herded into large black vans for a trip to an undisclosed picnic location. “Communism cannot exist beside alternative systems which raise false objections and magnify minor temporary deficiencies. But with the help of Satan and Hell’s demons, that problem will soon be a thing of the past.”
