Written by Zabdgrov667

Friday, 17 February 2012

image for Apocalypse News - End of World to Occur Mid-November-ish
2012 - 98% Chance of Psychotic A**holes F**king All of Humanity

LAS VEGAS, NEVADA - Major casinos and top gambling experts say November 2012 is when humanity will meet a fiery and horrific doom. Although the Mayan Calendar points to December 21, 2012 for some kind of epic world-changing event, the rise of several narcissistic raving lunatics has created an unspoken contest to "prove the error" of the Mayan Gods and their strangely enumerated calendar.

Technically, if December 1st becomes the day of cataclysmic world destruction, then the Mayans would be "proven wrong." Unfortunately, there can only be ONE End-of-the-World. Second place is meaningless for whoever "planned" to start World War 3, or release a Planet-wide Flesh-Eating Plague, or trigger Super-Volcanoes with multiple geothermal detonators.

A major surge in violence around the world has millions of people asking about "the odds" of Armageddon. North Korea and Pakistan have nuclear weapons technology, and seem to contribute to the possibility of nuclear weapons in the hands of rogue nations. A scientist at the World Health Organization (WHO) claims to have discovered a way to genetically modify the Bird Flu into an antibiotic-resistant super plague. Finally, political behavior in Washington, DC has raised suspicions of widespread use of hallucinogenic drugs, or syphilis-induced psychosis.

The US Government recently called for bids to "Turn 4000 Nuclear Warheads into Windmills and Solar Panels," as part of a "World without Nukes" project by President Obama. Members of Congress questioned the numerous bids from Yemen, Sudan, Afghanistan, Syria, Libya, and the New York based "Partnership to Kill All Humans, LLC."

Lindsey Graham (R-South Carolina): The question here is one of safety. How do we know that windmills and solar panels made from Plutonium will not cause obesity in children, or lead to the underage use of tobacco products? All of these bidders have offered their services for FREE, but how do we know that cost overruns, or bankruptcy, will not leave American taxpayers holding the bag? Due to the failures of Solyndra, ENER1, and the problems with the Chevy Volt in spite of Billion-Dollar-Subsidies, we need to have a strong, bipartisan approval process for each of these contracts.

The President's plans to cut the US military's nuclear inventory to 300 warheads was immediately defended in Congress by Maxine Waters (D-California), who called Republicans "Demons." Her full comments are not available because reporters fled soon after her head began to spin around, with vomit spewing as far as 30 feet from the podium. One journalist indicated that Maxine Water has become increasingly "unhinged" in the past year, and he cautioned - "as soon as you see the eyes roll back in her head - RUN!"

George Soros, famous for profiting on the collapse of markets, has been predicting anarchy, civil war, and record profits. The Billionaire was asked if he was bothered by the end of the world making his money worthless. He replied that money wasn't everything - sometimes, happiness is crushing your enemies, seeing them driven before you, to hear the lamentation of their women, and winning a bet on what day the Earth will become a black and lifeless rock floating in the void of space.

Attributed to George Soros during interview on Greek riots over austerity measures:

    The Bible says only God knows the day and the hour when the world ends, no man, not the angels who are in heaven, not even Jesus. If I know the day of the Apocalypse, then it proves that I am God. Ja?


But of that day and that hour knows no man, no, not the angels who are in heaven, neither the Son, but the Father.

    - Mark 13:32

And they worshiped the dragon who gave power unto the beast, and they worshiped the beast, saying, Who is like unto the beast? Who is able to make war with him?

    - Revelation 13:4

Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.
You shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles?

    - Matthew 7:15

Latin: Quem deus vult perdere, dementat prius.
("Whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad.")

    - Ancient Proverb (Greek/Roman)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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