BILLINGSGATE POST: The statue of Mr. Peanut, the 104-year old mascot of the Planters snack food company, has come down after being shelled by masked protesters. This was confirmed by Mrs. Peanuts and his only son, Goober.
Planters made the announcement in a series of tweets and news releases Monday.
"In a senseless act of destruction, he sacrificed himself to save his family when they needed him most. We’re devastated to confirm that Mr. Peanut is gone. He went down doing what he did best – having people’s backs when they needed him most.”
Mr. Peanut's toppling leaves a lot of questions. Did Mr. Peanut have a haunted backstory that would lead to his statue being toppled? What a twist that would be! The monocled bourgeoisie icon had a secret past. Perhaps he lived a shelled life.
Since absolutely nothing makes sense, all of the cookies, snack foods and other residents of Sentient Brand Land mourned his fall on Twitter.
"Always classy, always crunchy, always cleaned up nicely. We'll miss him!" tweeted Mr. Clean.
"We, too, would sacrifice it all for the nut," wrote Snickers.
Planters is encouraging people to pay their respects to Mr. Peanut and his legacy. All the world's a stage, and all the peanuts merely players. They have their exits and their entrances, and one peanut in his time plays many parts: The legume, the snack food, the mascot, the gentleman, the soldier, the savior.
Slim: “The sum bitch had it all. Can’t believe he’s gone.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. Life’s a shell game.”