Friday, 9 February 2007

image for Policemen Break Silence in Long Forgotten John and Lorena Bobbit Case
Police cars responded immediately to the Bobbit amputation

In 1993, in a fit of anger due to sexual frustration and hostility from abuse, Lorena Bobbit cut off her husband's penis while he slept. She got into her car, drove past a vacant field, and threw John Wayne Bobbit's pride and joy out her window.

On awakening to find something missing, Bobbit called the police and an ambulance. After finding out what had happened, four police officers were dispatched to the field to find the penis.

This magazine has obtained the long supressed recorded voice conversations between those officers in that field. They are printed here for the first time. The voices are of male officers Johnson, Fines, and Fletcher and female officer Judson.

Fines: "What's up, Sarge?"

Fletcher: "The Captain wants us to search this field. Some woman cut of her husband's thingie and threw it out here somewhere."

Fines: "His what?"

Fletcher: "His Johnson."

Johnson: "Hey! Watch it!"

Fletcher: "Sorry, Johnson. Look for his package, his trouser rocket, his manhood. You know, his dick. Sorry, Judson, no offense intended to you either."

Johnson: "No problem, sir."

Fines: "What size is it?"

Fletcher: "We don't know. The dispatcher did not tell us if the man was black, white, or oriental, so it could be anything from pinkie size to footlong."

Fines: "What do we do when we find it?"

Fletcher: "Take it to the hospital. They're going to try to put it back on."

Fines: "Okay, so what do we do when we find it? Evidence bag?"

Fletcher: "Don't be stupid. You have to keep transplanted organs cold. We put it on ice."

Johnson: "Judson has a big gulp in her car. We picked it up at 7-11 a few minutes ago after getting the donuts."

Judson: "You're not putting that in my drink!"

Fletcher: "What, you've never had that taste in your mouth before?"

Judson: "Not a bloody one!"

Fines: "Did it get cut off or bit off?"

Fletcher: "Does it matter? Split up and look for the thing."

(three minutes without conversation pass)

Johnson: "Found it!"

Fletcher: "That's not a penis, it's a hot dog. Look at the mustard and relish."

Johnson: "Sorry, I thought the ketchup was blood."

Fletcher: "Keep looking."

(Six more minutes of silence follow as the officers search the field.)

Fines: "Found it!"

Fletcher: "Yep, that looks like it might be it. Judson, pick it up and put it in your cup."

Judson: "I'm not picking that thing up."

Fletcher: "You're a woman. Picking it up would be kind of faggy for us and give me the willies. You've handled these things before, you pick it it."

Judson: "You handle yours every time you go to the bathroom. Johnson's always got his hands down his pants, and Fines always acts kind of gay."

Fletcher: "Fines, pick it up."

Fines: "Why me?"

Fletcher: "Your the rookie and she says you might be gay. Besides, we've all got seniority."

Fines: "Okay, but give me your pencil."

Fletcher: "Are you going to write on it?"

Fines: "No, I'm going to try picking it up with two pencils, like chopsticks."

Judson: "Wait!"

Fletcher: "What?"

Judson: "I want to get one last drink of my Coke first."

Fletcher: "Go ahead. Fines! Don't stab the thing!"

Fines: "Why not? He can't feel it right now!"

Fletcher: "Just pick it up and let's get to the hospital."

Fines: "Eww gross, it looks like some cat has been chewing on it!"

Fletcher: "Just use your pencils or your hands and pick it up."

Fines: "Couldn't we just give him the hot dog? We could wipe off the mustard and stuff."

Fletcher: "Fines, pick it up and let's roll!"

Fines: "Okay, I've got it."

Fletcher: "Take the straw out. You don't want to accidently drink it."

Fines: "Do I have to carry the cup too?"

Fletcher: "Let Johnson carry it. After all, his name is Johnson."

Judson: "This guy owes me a big gulp."

(Three police car ignitions are started and one moves away quickly with sirens blaring.)

Epilogue: Bobbit had the first successful surgery to re-attach a penis. Sergeant Fletcher no longer frequents Der Weinershnitzel. Officer Fines was treated for shock and now has a wife, a mistress, and a dozen known children. Officer Johnson has changed his last name to Box. Officer Judson also admits that she no longer has the desire to purchase big gulps.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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